sixillusions | [catchall] Caelus

[ is it the park? will that be kanda's new meditative spot? caelus can't imagine him going to the apartment complex where he's liable to bump into a whole load of them.

the tie of his bartending is completely loose, knot undone. he's walking in long strides but not at an overly quick pace.

]

[You think he would be that easy to find after all this...

Imagine if I didn't tell you where he was and made you guess until Caelus would give up. I won't but it would be funny.

But no he can be found by the blood tree actually!! Wowie. He's not getting more blood. He's just sitting under it and meditating, trying to deal with. Everything. A lot has happened in the past 48 hours.]

[ awaits my 'complete my cyoa to find kanda' puzzle in a future thread. in this case, though, you will have to imagine that happens because caelus checks everywhere in the main graveyard before going through a tree. this is the second time he's visited pharros since his death. the first was to contemplate the place he'd fallen.

but once he's through the tree-door, he suspects where the man might be.

it is only after he has expended all this effort to find kanda that it occurs to him kanda might not want to have been found. well, shit. he unbuttons his vest before he takes a seat some several feet apart. as usual, copying how the exorcist sits ]

That got to be a lot.

Edited (kanda's name was in there TWO too many times for me) 2024-07-14 03:40 (UTC)

[Well, he's not wrong, but when does Kanda ever want to be found anyway. I almost typed Kaveh and we're going into Week 5. I played Kaveh a year ago. The power of hyperfixation is incredible.

ANYWAY. He does not want company, but he is very good at insane repression and it's probably been a few hours by now, so he won't chase Caelus off. But since he's missing an ear now, he doesn't hear Caelus and ignores him (no)

His brow dips with frustration, but this one isn't actually directed at Caelus. Kanda opens his eyes, looking towards the tree instead.]

...They need to be less trusting.

[Like, yes, they were thorough enough with Karlach--but no one checked Daan until quite late, and he saw how Laudna let Kate go mostly unchecked, too. Even after all that talk about how he certainly would've landed a hit on his killer.]

[ we will never know if caelus would have also bothered kaveh on this nigh daily, constant level. i want to believe... maybe?

anyway, it would be acceptable if kanda also said nothing at all. would have been a bummer, but not a surprise. those last couple trial hours were a series of daggers in the gut of everyone present with feelings to have ruptured. that includes dear kanda. ]

The letters we send get censored, but there has to be some way we can affect trial. Not directly, but maybe a reminder not to let anyone sit out or skate by on checks anymore. If I can phrase it vaguely enough, it should get through.

[The difference is that Kaveh would stepford smile through the pain and then get blackout drunk when Caelus wasn't looking.

But he's quiet for a little while. Processing, as he lifts a hand to rub absently at his chest. Eventually:]

...Try. [There's an unspoken "please" there, probably.]

[ scrubbing a hand on his own head ]

Of course I will.

[ He should write, too--don't push. when this week is over, caelus' life will be infinitely better, even dead.

silence for a bit. ]

When I heard you died, I thought, 'that wasn't supposed to happen.'

[ flaps one end of his loosened tie ]

I have a long way to go.

[Ordinarily, it's something Kanda would--not snap at him for, exactly, but... some gentler version of it, insofar as Kanda can do anything "gently." He's not the same man he was years, even months ago. He's still not patient or soft, and he still lives by his own philosophies, but he's... marginally better at saying the hard things no one wants to hear. Any other time, and he would've said something like It gets easier with time, but we don't have that, so you'd better work on getting used to it before you're out of people to mourn.

But... it's different, this time. He can't be that steadying force when his own feelings are still too unsettled.

And, y'know. He still has his pride. That's the least of his worries right now, but it's part of why he says--]

...Normally, it wouldn't have.

[Even without his healing. Even with his balance fucked up, with his mind blocking out the pain of the reopened wound on his back, even with Kate's ability to blend into the darkness--he's sure he would've won, or at least taken her down with him.

He hates having his mind fucked with. It's making it very difficult to find the same understanding he's extended to the other possessed killers.]

[ the comfort that kanda provides has never been based on saying the right thing or actually reaching out to caelus. it began as a desperate following of anything even faintly familiar. it transformed around the end of that first week. it's not a friend or former acquaintance that kanda reminds him of. it's a distinct presence. and so if the answer is more quiet or if the answer is four words, caelus appreciates not being told to buzz off. ]

I know. If my monster could have harnessed the Stellaron, it would have. All of our abilities, no matter how incredible, are gone. If you had your full strength, we'd be out of here already. I don't doubt that.

[ he folds his hands onto his lap. ]

Have you eaten at all since you got here?

[That's a fair point--one he actually hadn't considered before. He's weighed his own strength here, of course, but never in the context of what one of the monsters might do with it. Hmm.

Well. Not like it matters now, with the monsters removed from them. If there's anything simple about this whole thing, he can be grateful for that much.

He shakes his head slightly.]

I'm not hungry. [Unlike the bear that ate him]

[ ok skinny legend but consider: ]

There's soba in the food court.

[ since u asked the mods for it. ]

It won't be the best you ever had, but it's there. I could grab you a bowl and bring it back here if you don't want to go yourself. It could be my apology for what the fox did to your hair.

[ there's so much more he would like to know or ask about but kanda died two days ago. some other time, maybe. ]

[Is there... well that's good to know. He can actually eat here, which is good because he was almost out of his stockpile from the gas station. If he'd lived any longer he would've had to go back to tummyache mushrooms from the woods.]

You don't need to. [I wasn't mad for myself. But he won't turn it down if Caelus does this on his own anyway. He probably should eat something, all things considered.]

I'm on it.

[ caelus pushes up to his feet, wobbles strangely but only for an instant. stops. blinks a couple times. checks his stability. great. and then he's off.

it takes about twenty minutes...

thirty minutes.

but he's back with a covered tray from the food court. ]

Here. Should be warm still.

[HELLO? ARE YOU DRUNK

That's fine though. He's just... gonna sit here for a few hours, even though the tree is all fucked up now, because he doesn't want to go through the spider woods without Mugen to get to the stream and he isn't interested in anywhere else available to him right now, unfamiliar as it all is. There's simply too much to grapple with right now--he doesn't want to deal with new surroundings on top of it all.

His gaze is distant when Caelus returns, his mind far away, though his focus snaps back as soon as he approaches. His gaze drops to the tray, and though he doesn't say "thank you," he does reach out to take it.]

[ CAELUS IS NOT DRUNK.

especially not when he returns and has an energy drink with him!! take that. the tray, that is. he will retain the can of precious awake bubbly. ]

I didn't know which you'd want.

[ indicating the plastic spork and the set of disposable wooden chopsticks. ]

I'd like to stay here with you, but I should keep moving. You're good here?

[Strangely enough, he does know what an energy drink is, but who is he to tell Caelus what to eat or drink. He takes the chopsticks and nods slightly.]

I'll be fine.

[It's not the first time he's picked himself up after a fatal encounter. Not even the most traumatizing, honestly, even though it's--complicated. But he'll always choose space and solitude if offered, so. Caelus is free to go check on the others or... whatever it is he wants to do.]

I'll check on you later whether you like it or not.

[ and he's off so we can do monday thread wowee ]

[catchall] Caelus

week 4, saturday, post-trial

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