Kanda Yuu (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sixillusions) wrote2024-06-08 12:03 pm
sixillusions) wrote2024-06-08 12:03 pm
[catchall] Caelus
This doesn't fit Kanda at all but I saw it while I was scrolling and I had to
This doesn't fit Kanda at all but I saw it while I was scrolling and I had to
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[ his room. caelus is focusing so hard on what that should even be like. how he's going to navigate it. because his apartment isn't really based on his space aboard the astral express. he stole someone else's.
he takes kanda's sleeve. tight grip. ]
Did anything else happen while I was out?
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That's fine though. He'll start leading the way back--it's truly been so long since he had to do this for Marie but at least he kind of remembers how, and he's been practicing his own balance since he got here. So they'll be okay.]
No idea. I've been here.
[There are enough fighters on this side that he doesn't feel the need to wander around playing bodyguard.
...
Wait]
Oh. I heard. There was another group.
[KANDA THAT'S IMPORTANT]
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anyway, color caelus impressed that kanda is more than decent at this. that he's not pulling him along and causing the recently blinded to trip over his own two feet. caelus expected to stumble the entire way, but instead he's given enough of the exorcist's limited patience that he can remain upright. ]
Another? Do you know who?
[ I've been here. that hits slow (and different) because of caelus' instant-concern over potential other cyoaers. but kanda's been here. to keep an eye on him and marina?
he works so hard at avoiding an emotionshare of feeling touched because right now he remembers kanda and he remembers how he functions. some leaks out but it's a trickle instead of a gusher. ]
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Pink Braid, the hot woman, the cat, and that guy with glasses.
[Well
At least they're all easy descriptions, probably]
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Pink braid is probably Aerith.
[ oof. that hurts. is she okay? but kanda wouldn't know. ]
I don't know who you think is hot--oh. Heat-hot. Karlach.
[ he does stumble for the first time. it's over really nothing. a beat of embarrassment. continuing. ]
Izutsumi's the cat. Guy with the glasses...
[ is it that he can't remember who that is because his mind instantly turns to mr. yang or is it that he's beginning to forget himself again? ]
What will you call me if someone asks?
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Nobody's going to ask me. [Not when Rondo and Daan and others were also around and will answer questions much better than Kanda can or would.] Do you still think I don't know your name?
[He says this a little grouchily, as if it's unreasonable, even though he literally just used four separate nicknames and has never used Caelus's to his face]
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...
[ that sounds right, regardless of what caelus is being led back to his room. ]
You told me I have nothing to do with you.
[ some variation of it, anyway. ]
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[He doesn't bother squabbling semantics. They don't really matter. Kanda isn't a person who changes easily--his stance is the same as it was weeks ago.]
You have your life, and I have mine. Even if we were from the same world, you'd never see me again after this. [To say nothing of anything surpassing acquaintanceship, which is so far off the table he doesn't even feel the need to address it.] And getting attached hasn't done anything but hurt people here. You should know that.
[Didn't he suffer over Aventurine and Boothill? Over what he'd done to Marina himself? He thinks of someone else, another voice yelling You aren't a waste of my time at him--and he thinks of how he'd relented, then, just a little, only to fall to Kate's monster not two days later. If that wasn't God proving a point, what is?
Caelus accused him of being uncaring, and Kanda hadn't seen a reason to correct him. He is not a savior. It's not his job to minimize suffering. Better, in the end, for Caelus to think that his attempts at doing so were callousness. Kanda wishes they were.]
But everyone else uses names, and I'm not an idiot. I heard it often enough to know.
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when caelus has the ability to recall every conversation they've had, he doesn't consider kanda as a cruel person. not really. ]
I don't 'know that.' About getting attached. I don't 'know' it brings nothing but pain.
[ he reaches his free hand to fidget with some of that new, long hair ]
Not if I want to remain a Trailblazer.
[ caelus suffered when aventurine and boothill died. he suffered the next week, losing karma who he'd just accepted was his responsibility. he suffered the next week, losing iwatooshi after not thinking to share a final curfew. he suffered the next week, a prisoner in his own body as he hunted marina down and left her face a mashed pulp. but he was never the only one in pain and his was never the worst. ]
My choice is I don't regret caring about any of the people I've met here. I don't regret a minute of it.
[ staring into the center of nothingness ]
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[That's Caelus's choice. Kanda has no interest in arguing with him or pressuring him one way or the other. Kanda isn't as judgmental over it as he might seem; he's simply pushed hard here where he felt he had to, trying, in his own way, to help people come to terms with bitter necessities. But all he can do is share his own brand of wisdom, born of lifetimes of horrific experiences; if Caelus wants to reject it and walk his own path, that's his prerogative.
But it's Kanda's, too. He's more tolerant than he used to be, more willing to extend a hand in his own clumsy, grouchy, poorly communicated ways, but he's never going to be gentle or openly caring. The chances of him becoming someone like that died over nine years ago. And his role as an exorcist still comes first, anyway. They may be potentially shielded from even the Earl, here, but that doesn't mean sentiment isn't dangerous. Kate's the prime example of that.]