Kanda Yuu (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sixillusions) wrote2024-06-08 12:03 pm
sixillusions) wrote2024-06-08 12:03 pm
[catchall] Caelus
This doesn't fit Kanda at all but I saw it while I was scrolling and I had to
This doesn't fit Kanda at all but I saw it while I was scrolling and I had to
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It's fine. I've had worse. [Granted, he had his healing back then and he doesn't now, but--not being functionally immortal is a hard thing to get used to. He probably won't truly grasp it until he's dead for real.]
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[ deep breath. courage, man. ]
Hey, Kanda--there's a lot I could say, but I don't think that'd mean much to you. You prefer actions over words.
[ and he thrusts out both hands from behind his back. no bat, but a hastily slapped together bouquet of pink and red lilies (don't overthink the flower theory, he sure didn't). ]
Let's go on a date. If it's boring, then we don't have to do it again.
[ he's an alpha so his hands are not shaking from fear or anything, that's the adrenaline. ]
...These are for you. Don't eat them, they taste bad.
1/2
2/2
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[ glances down at bouquet, then back to looking at kanda ]
Was it the flowers? They were someone else's idea, but I picked them myself.
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Ask that Idiot Rabbit if you want "dates" or whatever. You can go with that singing girl. [This probably makes sense in his head somehow]
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[ and lavi has given no indication he'd ever go on a date with caelus. (neither has kanda but shut up)
he considers leaving him alone, but no. he's trailing after.
he wants to die.]Does it bother you that much that I want to go with you and not just on a date?
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No. [It doesn't bother him--at least, not for the moment.] What you want has nothing to do with me.
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Does it feel better to push everyone away? Sure, Thursday we could betray each other. I'm not an idiot, Kanda.
[ he's a little stupid, but he knows that ]
But today, I'm right here and I'm myself and you're saying it has 'nothing' to do with you.
[ limply, he tosses the bouquet at the ground. ]
You know what I think? [ he probably doesn't care, cae-- ] I think you're scared.
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And maybe, in some other situation, that would be a good thing--but right now, it just worsens his own flare of irritation. He stops abruptly, lifting Mugen to keep space between them--still sheathed, so not a true threat, but a warning nonetheless, like a cat arching its back and flattening its ears.]
You don't know anything about me. [Rather--what he does know is a mere fraction of what life has been like, and it's already more than Kanda ever wanted to share with anyone. And it's not like Kanda's surprised that Caelus isn't satisfied with what he got, because no one ever is, even the ones who understand, even the ones who know everything, who know exactly why his heart is in the state it's in--but there's only so much audacity Kanda will tolerate at once.] If it's that easy for you to lose sight of what's important, fine. But don't drag me into it.
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kanda lifts mugen. caelus does not step back, but a sort of wall goes up. horrible empathy share be damned. ]
You don't even know my name. [ he's never said it, anyway ] But the difference between us is I want you to learn it and you're okay as-is.
[ he sighs. ]
I get it. I'll leave you alone.
[ they were never meant to both be alpha ]
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There's little to say to that, because--well, because Caelus is right. It's already something of a wonder that Caelus has managed to tread the line of being persistent without being pushy. They could stay exactly as close (or distant) as they have been, and Kanda would be perfectly fine with that. There's no doubt in Kanda's mind that if they defeat the cult, they'll go their separate ways, and never speak again. And there's a good chance they won't even make it out alive for that issue to arise in the first place.
A kinder person would probably feel bad for this, or at the very least sympathetic. Kanda doesn't; he can't, not when he's made his stance clear time and time again, when Caelus saw with his own eyes how many years it took for him to grow comfortable with anyone, even if he never saw the exact reason Kanda shut himself off in the first place. But he doesn't feel any satisfaction or vindictive pleasure, either. He takes very little joy in striking people down or causing them pain, even if he'll do so without hesitation. (Perhaps if he were that sort of person-- perhaps if he'd also chosen hatred and anger back then, instead of love and promises--)
He lowers Mugen with a sigh.]
You're losing track of what matters.
[He can't, won't, give Caelus what he's asking for, but he can give him this: a reminder of what to focus on, of the precious people waiting for him back home. It's a warning he's offered to others before, and even though he knows it's likely futile, that Caelus will probably choose inevitable pain over isolation anyway, Kanda doesn't know what else he can do for him.]
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he doesn't want to change kanda, anyway. it wouldn't have meaning for kanda to really look at him if it were compelled. (also, he knows from experience the exorcist could kick his ass) ]
I'm multitasking. I can be ready to fight and build bonds and grieve and get actual clues--every day, twenty-four-seven. Ugh, that reminds me.
[ fishing hand around in a pocket, muttering ] Daan said not to show it to everyone, either, but I made you a copy while I was 'losing track of what matters.'
[ holding out a piece of paper with this written on it:
"—ter what happened today, I don't think you could call this place safe by any stretch of the imagination. We've seen it react now in nearly a hostile way to our presence, and I don't know how long we can stay. Even so, the fact that it exists at all is beyond my expectation.
I suspect some of them want to reach out and make contact with the others, to ease their grief. I understand. But on the other hand, the cult realizing that this place exists—that there might be any space, no matter how small, that they cannot observe—would be catastrophic. What little safety and advantage we do have would be forfeit, and the cult is likely to wipe the slate clean and start over. And in truth, I have no proof that there's a way back.
So, is it worth hoping that they can keep a secret? Perhaps it is cruel, but I want to err on the side of caution." ]
Even if you don't want it, at least show Lavi. I worked hard to get it.
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Well, this, at least, he'll take--he reaches out for it and reads it over, silent. Even when he finishes, he doesn't speak for a long while; his face is unreadable, but through the empathy connection, Caelus can probably feel the stirrings of suspicion and mild alarm.
Ease their grief, a way back...
Eventually, quietly:]
Where did you get this?
1/
2/2
That's something personal I'd only tell someone I was really, super close to.
[ so sorry, kanda, guess you can't know ]
But the original looked like it was torn out of a journal or something. I thought it might mean--...........
[ arms crossed over chest ]
Forget it.
[ brat hours. his feelings are hurt and poor kanda has to be able to tell. ]
Re: 2/2
It's on your shoulders then.
[Caelus, he thinks, is the guilty type; if something bad happens because he chose to put his own feelings over everything else, it'll eat him alive. Kanda doesn't need to waste his breath trying to teach him a lesson he so clearly doesn't want to learn.
He tucks the paper in his pocket, wincing slightly at the brief pain of moving; the tree blood helped, but not much.]
But at least tell one person, in case you wind up dead or afflicted. Don't punish the rest of them just because you're mad I won't give you what you want.
[Kanda can live with it if Caelus doesn't want to trust him; he probably wouldn't return the favor if he had anything for Caelus anyway. But his focus is right where it's always been: taking down the cult and getting out of here with as few casualties as possible. He's a destroyer, not a savior--but he has no desire to abandon the group to their fates. He doesn't think Caelus does either.]
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[ sounds almost like an insult the way he's saying the words now. perhaps because he's more aware they aren't what the other man wants to hear. ]
But you aren't the first person I told and you won't be the last. I told Daan and Yuffie and they'll pass it along, too.
[ what hurts the most are the assumptions he's not putting full effort into everything. he told kanda he could do it all. it's not about picking to save everyone or forging connections. caelus has always been able to do both and carry on through the pain that comes alongside it. ]
It's not the only clue people are uncovering, either. You know, you learn more when people trust you and feel like they can talk to you without the sword coming out.
[ and other than kanda, who doesn't trust caelus at least a little bit? ]
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There are a lot of things he could say in response to Caelus's words. But he isn't one to defend himself, either, nor is he particularly interested in parading around the people he talks to just to prove a point. And asking why the hell do you like me when I've done nothing to encourage you would just invite a conversation he doesn't want to have with a conclusion they've already reached. So, he simply waits for Caelus to finish, then turns to resume leaving the area.
He has more than enough of his own heartache. He doesn't want to wallow in someone else's.
But Caelus did ask one thing of him that he can give, so:]
I'll show Lavi.