sixillusions | [catchall] Caelus

[Just posts this to establish that he will be here by the pyre guarding Caelus's barrier like he has guarded every killer since the start.]

[ then kanda will witness it as others come and go. caelus snapping back and forth between that smiley, broken not-him and then what may be himself, but shattered in another way. he tells a lot of people to 'go away' and 'leave me alone.' he makes fun of them for caring. then he cries, muffled, but with full body wracking sobs into his knees where he presses his face.

it's endless. the back and forth. he doesn't talk to kanda.

well. not until it's quite late. his voice is hoarse from all of the above. ]

... ... Go to the swamp.

[ a deep swallowing breath ]

Please. [ it's shaky. this might be the real caelus for the moment. ]

[Regardless of what happens with the others, Kanda is stoic through it all. As long as the barrier holds, he doesn't approach, or intervene. He keeps watch like a sentry, and his face shows no disgust, no judgment, no sorrow. Every now and then, in moments of lucidity, Caelus might see him running his fingers absently through his ponytail, looking at his hair; other times, signs of weariness slip through, the exhaustion of going through this over and over with no true way to stop it--but that's it. He's otherwise unmoved by both madness and agony.

When Caelus speaks, he glances over, studying him for a long moment. He doesn't answer right away--waiting to see it he says anything else, maybe, to check if it really is him speaking. Kanda still isn't used to the lucidity, after all, even though they've seen it here many times.]

[ rapidly wiping his eyes, because kanda has turned to look his way and tears or blubbering won't gain him any ground. ]

You can't fight me like this.

[ he's on his knees in the dirt. begging. pleading. ]

And we don't know if it'll be you, but I know what I don't want--I...

[ he loses steam. it took him all night to build up the courage to ask for this and he doesn't know if kanda even sees him as a person anymore. did he ever? his tails go still, resting all nine around him on the ground.

gently, ]

It's the last time I'll ask you for anything.

[He's quiet for a long while--but eventually he sighs.]

Fine. [Don't say he never did anything for you etc. Etc.] Now sit down.

[Like a normal person, not half-sprawled in the dirt and begging; Caelus has never been like that with him before and he doesn't want him to start now.]

[ caelus won't ever forget how kind kanda always was to him.

his relief is visible, taking over tired red eyes and pulling down tense shoulders. gradually, he draws himself together, changing to sit properly on the ground, legs now folded pretzel-style. ]

Thank you.

[ that should be it. that should be the exchange. knowing what he does of kanda's backstory, however little, it's not as if the exorcist wants this.

but he's scared. something he can't tell kanda but he's sure is apparent in every word he speaks. ]

The closer we get to tomorrow, the more fake it feels. 'This can't be me.' 'I wouldn't do that.' I'm trying to memorize the things I don't want to lose. How it feels to hold someone's hand. How it feels to talk to you.

[He shifts a little, uncomfortable. He isn't made for this. He isn't a person who has words of comfort to offer; he isn't the type to sugarcoat hard truths, and there are no soft reassurances to give to Caelus. He lost himself. Blood must be spilled to finish the ritual. Even if he were permitted to live, it would only be a matter of time before he lost himself again. And Kanda had been irritated by the day's earlier discussions, the idea of leaving people to fear their inevitable relapse into a monster.]

It wasn't you. [At length.] You didn't have a monster inside you before.

[He won't stop Caelus for taking responsibility for what he'd done, but--as a man at the forefront of someone else's battle with a demon inside of them, he has a lot of opinions about the distinction of identities.]

You're going to make me blush.

[ his face is already red from the crying and his fury at the other guy inside of him, the monster that surfaces seemingly just to tell the people he cares for how caelus killed someone good and kind. the monster tells his friends that caelus is so, so terrified to die. ]

I'm gonna be selfish, like usual.

[ kanda won't leave the pyre? suffer a guard's duty of having to hear the prisoner ramble. ]

If you'd said 'yes,' I would have taken you to the garden. That's where I got the flowers.

[ he doesn't have a jacket anymore, so he taps over his shirt ]

In case you didn't catch it, the rectangle you found was part of my Trailblazer badge. So, it's almost like we went together after all.

[Instantly looks annoyed again when Caelus starts rambling about the date that was never going to happen]

Shut up.

'Kay.

[ caelus will 'shut up,' since kanda promised to swamp and is simply remaining true to himself. like always. it's admirable, something that will have been as true before caelus as after him.

he flops back after a while. lying in the dirt, staring at the sky. he doesn't want to sleep, anyway. ]

[They can go back to vibing in silence, then, unless Caelus has anything else to say; if not, Kanda will stay until Lavi comes back from his PCs so that he can have someone around to drag him out of the swamp in case he mcdrowns]

[ vibing in silence it is.

you are free of me at last, pixi. ty for concert night tags. ]

[catchall] Caelus

Week 3, Saturday

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