sixillusions | [catchall] Cloud

[OOOOOOO HERE WE FUCKIN GO

Kanda is going to hate this week and will do his best to avoid everything and everyone, but unfortunately for him, crossing paths is unavoidable. Sooner or later, they'll run into each other, and Cloud gets to see a memory.

CWs include human experimentation, child torture, body horror, violence, mass murder, attempted suicide; if you want me to pick a different memory just lmk!! This is so long. I'm sorry.]

[ well! well. well. well, okay. maybe this is a crazy question to ask after witnessing someone die and revive over and over again, experimented and used, and he looks sick about it himself, clutching at his head and heaving like he felt it on his own, and maybe if he was stopped to think for a second he wouldn't even try to talk to kanda about it, but: ]

After all that, you're still... working for them?

[ probably he doesn't have a choice, cloud recognizes that, but. it's hard to understand.

he doesnt know... the plot of dgray.man is fucked up..... ]

[HE DOESN'T KNOW... but this is such a valid question. Sometimes there's some other guy that quits his job and blows up about it and you're like "you know what, fair enough" but Kanda wasn't there for that so oh well.

BUT ANYWAY, this one. This one. In good news for Cloud (and their... friend... ship? Kanda would never call it that but that's what it is), this is not the first time someone here has seen this memory. He's still extraordinarily unhappy about it, of course. This is the sort of personal that Kanda would never, ever willingly share with anyone; these are events and emotions that Kanda has locked away in his heart for years, guarding his grief like a wounded, wild dog and snapping at anyone who dared to reach out. But this has been played out before him and strangers before, and he's had enough time to brace for it happening again.

(And really, he's used to being exploited. It's what he was made for. He isn't exactly surprised that it's happening here, just... angry, and more than a little bitter.)

It's very true that, in many ways, the choice is out of his hands (or was, but that's a different memory). He could steer this away from personal questions, over towards the fate of exorcists as a whole, talking about what it means to be chosen by God. But Kanda doesn't say that.

Instead:]

I've never done it for them.

... Then who are you doing it for?

[ cant you kill akuma without being linked to the church. just stab an akuma* *he doesnt know shit about akuma ]

[Oh my god Cloud you can't just ask someone why they're an incat (involuntary catholic)

There are a few different ways he could answer this, including simply storming away and refusing to talk about it any further--but, pettily, he doesn't want Cloud thinking that his actions stem from piety or faith.]

I still have things I need to take care of there. [Whether he'd even know how to maintain another life outside of the Order--that's another issue entirely. For now, it doesn't matter.] I can't do them anywhere else.

[ sorry i am dying at incat. im perished

honestly, he didn't expect kanda to answer. it was more shock. but... ]

So they're a means to an end? [ he doesn't ask what the end is, at least? ] Can you even be sure they won't do that shit to you again...?

[Dead like sweet Ishtar...

And. Well. The answer is no, he can't be sure of anything when it comes to the Order. He'd like to think they've learned their lesson, especially after what happened with (redacted), but he's living proof that they probably never will. Kanda would like to believe he'd make a point of dying somewhere out of their reach, or of doing so in a way that rendered him useless to them, but those things are hardly in his control, so. They're daydreams more than anything.]

I'd have to stay dead first.

[Which, as Cloud saw, is not exactly easy.]

... You think that'll work here? Nothing else does.

Probably not. [Almost definitely not, actually--though that's kind of hard for him to conceptualize, even after watching his papercuts and leech bites and whatnot heal so much more slowly than he's used to.] But Lavi would make sure they burned my body if I died here. It's standard procedure.

... Glad he has your back.

[ FIFTEEN MINUTES OF UNINTERRUPTED CUTSCENES YOU im sorry pixi ]

[I GOT SO JUMPSCARED HEARING GRIFFIN BURNS

But also this is a lot--and as it ends, all Kanda can do is stand here for a minute, taking in the Same Hat elements of it all. All the way to mass destruction at the hands of someone wronged.

He almost never asks personal questions--it's one of the things his loved ones tend to like about him, the way they can always trust he won't push and pry. He certainly has no intention of asking for the vast majority of the people here. But this... he can't stop himself from wondering, and he speaks before he even realizes he's done it.]

...Were they involved? [The village that Sephiroth attacked, he means. It's not his business, and his opinions don't matter, but--truthfully, it's not dissimilar to how he felt about Alma's rampage; he can't blame this man for his rage. But he finds himself wanting to know how far it went, even so.]

[ all english vas are in ff7r ]

No. [ too quick, and a little too firm, like the question upsets him. ] Just had the misfortune of renting property to the jackasses that created him. Sephiroth just wants to see the world burns.

[BEATS YOU UP

Briefly he wonders what kind of group could've done all that but needed to rent a house in a random town instead of having their own government facility, but he doesn't ask.]

So you're working to stop him?

[ in shinra's defense it was over thirty years ago, they now do all their human experiments at home

also hehe ]

Yeah. He vanished for five years after that. I don't know where he went, but he's more powerful than ever. He's not just lashing out at random.

[ or slowly walking while going im gonna go see my mommy ]

[I'm glad they upgraded to WFH

Also unfortunately he doesn't really have anything useful to say to that; he just nods, like, alright. Makes sense. Unfortunately even though he sympathizes with Sephiroth's rage, he also understands that sometimes you gotta cut people down to stop them from mass murdering. Er. Mass murdering more than they already have.]

[ sometimes your rage is actually [redacted] and mommy issues, but it's not like cloud knows this either, so unfortunately he cannot tell kanda to please not sympathize with sephiroth

anyway he thinks they have exposed himself enough and the void agrees and retreats so: ]

... This memory shit is gonna happen all week, isn't it?

[Imagine having a mom

He looks so displeased by this thought though.]

...I'm going to talk to those three about it. No one can focus like this.

[How are they supposed to hunt for MONSTERS if MEMORIES ARE FLYING EVERYWHERE except the only one we got was sweet Cloud]

[ he did and then she died in a fire ]

... Right. If it happens every time we cross paths, then this weekend'll be a shit show.

[ and it was! but not for that. ]

[catchall] Cloud

Week 2, Monday/Tuesday

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