[Given that Kanda can't see his own face, he has no idea what's sparked Lavi's sudden burst of enthusiasm; his slightly startled noise is swallowed up by Lavi's mouth, but before he has time to sink back into kissing, Lavi's pulling back again to pull their shirts off. He's unused to being overwhelmed, especially like this--if he wasn't so used to Lavi's energy on the whole, he'd probably shove him off on pure, violent instinct.
It's a near thing, but he catches himself in time to let Lavi pull him down. His hair cord is tied too securely to fall out, but getting his shirt off knocked it aside just enough to be a little uncomfortable, so he reaches up to tug it out as Lavi presses into his space again, tactile and chatty as always. THERE ARE TWO WOLVES INSIDE OF KANDA... THE ONE THAT THINKS LAVI IS SO ANNOYING AND THE ONE THAT LIKES HIM ANYWAY!!! Despite it all... or maybe because of it all... thankfully Kanda won't realize he has a type for 20 years, if he ever does,,,
Anyway he does not say "no" even though he probably should just to keep Lavi on his toes. But he's still himself which means he's allergic to answering like a normal person. Instead, he presses his lips together and averts his gaze, which is easy to do when Lavi can't see his expression]
You talk too damn much. [GRUMBLE GROUCH COMPLAIN but listen, he thinks it's obvious that he'd just kick Lavi off the bed if Lavi did anything he didn't like, there's no need to SAY it]
[KANDA JUST SHOVING LAVI OFF THE BED FOR BEING 2FAST2HORNY and perhaps, for being too chatty, if Lavi isn't CAREFUL and doesn't SHUT UP... He takes Kanda's answer as less a warning and more how someone who doesn't know what to say would say, especially with Kanda's temperament. It's cute.... There's one wolf in Lavi and it's the one that's fcking OBSESSED WITH KANDA!!!
It's why he shifts back so he can look at him anew again, gaze tracing the now loose strands of Kanda's hair falling over his face, neck, shoulders. It's technically not the first time Lavi's seen Kanda with his hair down.... but it is in this context, when they're both warm and relaxed and so close together, without being weighed down by an uncertain future. It's why the mischievous tilt of his smile fades a little, the look in his eye turning rueful instead,]
Sorry.
[he DOES talk too much... though he'd never apologize for this terrible character flaw, but maybe there's another reason why he's so chatty... he brushes his hand through Kanda's hair, running his fingers lightly through the now soft hair, the texture so markedly different from the last time Lavi touched him. Like it's driving home just how new this is for the both of them. For Lavi, especially. Lavi's never had a love he'd dedicate his life for, or met anyone as important to him as Kanda is now. He knows nothing about putting someone else first, or of making anyone happy. He's never cared enough to try, until now.
He'd say that all now, and a part of him thinks Kanda would listen like he always does, but it's kind of terrifying to admit that Lavi's completely clueless. That he might be wasting Kanda's time. He lifts his palm, watching Kanda's hair run down his hand, inky black against the scarlet red of the bracelets he's still wearing. It's terrifying, but the words come out anyway,]
...I guess it's cause I'm nervous.
[will this change once Lavi gets really into it and starts being really vocal in bed yes but listen.... for now.... he's eager and passionate and also unsure and shy and afraid of ruining yet another part of Kanda's life,]
[Kanda keeps his eyes fixed on Lavi's face, watching the way Lavi watches him--tracking all the little things, the look in his eye, the shift in his tone. There's a difference, he's learning, between knowing that Lavi's never truly let anyone into his heart, and really knowing it. It's not like Kanda has ever prided himself on knowing all of Lavi's secrets, but it's only now that he's realizing some part of himself must've bought into that sparkling confidence, even though he'd "known better."
In truth, he suspects it's not as much of a lie as Lavi thinks it is--after all, Kanda's the one who's seen him with Allen and the others, the one standing at a far enough distance to see the polish wear off of Lavi's smile. But that and this are very different things. And regardless... the eager Lavi who can't keep his mouth shut, or the uncertain Lavi he's seeing now--in the end, how Lavi acts doesn't matter, as long as it's genuine. That's all Kanda needs, but it's asking everything of Lavi. He knows that.
He sighs, reaching up to take Lavi's wrist and pull his hand back down, closer to his face. He closes his eyes and turns his head, speaking into Lavi's palm.]
Don't be. You can't fuck up any worse than you did when we met. [THANKS KANDA THAT'S SO REASSURING... it's also technically not quite true, because Lavi has a lot more power to hurt him now than he did back when Kanda didn't know or care who he was. But they didn't wind up here for nothing. If Kanda didn't trust that Lavi won't purposely fuck up--if he didn't think Lavi capable of handling his inevitable fuck-ups, of which there are bound to be many--then Lavi would know it.]
[SO REASSURING!!!! it's always helpful to know how low the bar is... though it doesn't assuage Lavi's fears any when he knows that he could go lower. Disappointment is written in human nature. And Lavi's learned not to hold any expectations.
But that's something Kanda knows too, maybe even better than Lavi does. If Lavi can't have the usual assurances from Kanda, then he'll take this instead -- their shared understanding, and their desire to try. And Kanda is trying, more than Lavi thought he ever would. He shouldn't spend this chance he's given being anxious about what might never happen. Kanda can't see his expression, but he can probably hear the warmth returning in Lavi's voice,]
I was trying to annoy you back then.
[his palm feels tingly, and he soothes the itch by brushing it against Kanda's cheek,]
...But now, I just wanna make you happy.
[this time, he doesn't ask what Kanda thinks about that. He tries to gather the answer from his lips instead,]
[It's almost a relief, not having to reply with words--Kanda is certainly no master kisser, but he's always been better at communicating through actions, and this is much the same. It's easier to be gentle if all he has to do is keep a loose grip on Lavi's wrist, to show openness when he can simply part his lips to let Lavi in more easily than before.
Speaking would mean saying something like I don't know if you can, because I don't know if I can, and it matters that you want to try, but I don't know if we can be enough for each other, and I don't know what I'll do if we live long enough to realize we're not, so if you're going to talk, just don't remind me of how hard this is--a thousand vulnerable, complicated sentiments that Kanda wouldn't know how to give voice to, even if he wanted to. It's far, far preferable to turn his focus to the soft warmth of Lavi's lips, the shape of his close presence that Kanda can sense perfectly, even without opening his eyes. He's mostly left the reaching out to Lavi, content to show his approval through permissiveness like he so often does, but now, he uses his grip on Lavi's wrist to tug him a little bit closer, an awkward attempt at assuaging Lavi's worries.
He's not sure if he's capable of happiness. But at least for tonight, he doesn't think he'll regret putting himself in Lavi's hands. And that's close enough, as far as he's concerned.]
[Lavi's thoughts drift away with each brush of lips and tongue, and he lets them go so he can sink further into Kanda, so he can lose himself in the heat building back up between them. The tug is such a small thing, but it sparks shivers through him -- the feel of Kanda's fingers wrapped around his wrist, as if he doesn't want to let Lavi go. He can get lost in that too, in being wanted despite who he is.
His hand slides back onto Kanda's chest, feeling skin but at the same time not nearly enough -- so he pulls his glove off with his other hand, somehow managing this without breaking Kanda's grip on his wrist. But his free hand is now GLOVELESS, and he immediately resumes his journey tracing bare skin, only pausing long enough to work the buckle of Kanda's pants free. He wants to touch, to devour, but his movements are slow even so, because he's entirely at Kanda's mercy, because every motion only exists as long as Kanda wants it too.
And if he does, then Lavi will continue -- pulling down that last barrier of fabric, trailing his fingers down Kanda's length, memorizing the shape of him through touch. It's a good thing Lavi runs warm because imagine just sticking a frosty hand down Kanda's pants..... He'd get punched out..... Luckily for him, he's warm -- so warm, heat flashing through him even though it's Kanda being touched -- and maybe that's the reason why, because even if Lavi can't make him happy in the way normal people who aren't them can be -- then he can at least make him feel good.]
[It's strange, Kanda's finding, how he can simultaneously be so aware of Lavi and his movements, yet so caught off-guard by them at the same time. It must be because they're entirely new motions, and he doesn't know how to predict them--but reasoning it out doesn't help, so he gives up on thinking about it quickly enough. He's a picky, temperamental, competitive person, but for once, he's okay with Lavi having the upper hand. So generous... or is he just making Lavi do all the work... IT'S A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE.
Kanda is all of those things, but he's not a gentle person by nature, so it's a good thing that Lavi pulls himself together, because as soon as his touch starts to wander, Kanda immediately abandons all his efforts to be soft and comforting. His nails dig into Lavi's wrist as Lavi's fingers dip below his waistband--not a protest, but a reflex, as sharp and violent as almost everything else about Kanda.
Case in point: Lavi's touch is so light, but in breaking their kiss to catch his breath, Kanda ducks his head and bangs it against Lavi's,,, OW]
Lavi lets out a pained grunt, because the last thing he expected was Kanda to HEADBUTT HIM, and his hand that was very carefully exploring earlier ends up GRIPPING Kanda HARDER out of SURPRISE!!
he's not sure whether he should do that again to look like he meant it or try to dodge the next headbutt]
Well assuming he didn't grab hard enough to hurt, Kanda doesn't headbutt him again--he just hisses, pressing his face into Lavi's neck, which was what he was trying to do originally. It's just that Lavi's hand is so warm, and Kanda is so terribly unused to all of this, so is it any wonder that his reactions are uncharacteristically graceless...
He doesn't apologize, because of course he doesn't. At least he finally lets go of Lavi's wrist, though it's mostly because it's an awkward angle for his arm. He doesn't apologize for any marks from his nails, either, though it's a toss-up whether he even notices he left them. Lavi's shirt is off, so he can't grab onto that instead--he leaves his hand hovering uncertainly between them for a moment before he settles it on Lavi's waist, just under his ribs. Lavi's in the same body he's always had, and Kanda's touched Lavi's bare skin before, but... that was almost always to treat wounds, or just by chance. It feels different now, when he's paying attention to the heat of him, to the softness of his unmarred skin compared to any traces of scars he might have. Things Kanda never spared a thought to before, but they're all he can focus on now, with all of his senses overtaken by Lavi.]
But it doesn't take Lavi long to realize that the earlier headbutt was out of surprise rather than VIOLENCE, and he also can't deny the fact that he's endeared by this awkward behavior... He just thinks Kanda is so cute..... He thinks he's sooo cute!!! Like the way Kanda ducks his head into the hollow of Lavi's neck, like it's his turn to be flustered and shy. Though nothing about the marks in Lavi's wrist seem like either, stinging in a way that he relishes. There's the pain inflicted during a spar, and then there's this -- little pinpricks of pleasure shivering through him, emanating from where Kanda is touching him in return.
He's not that sensitive to touch, a consequence from accruing so many scars in such a short time, but he can still feel Kanda's hand, and that feeling encourages him to respond in kind, applying more pressure in firm, long strokes. He reaches for Kanda's free hand, pressing it down against the sheets with their fingers intertwined, giving him something else to hold as Lavi keeps up the relentless pace.
Earlier, he'd been determined not to overwhelm. But it's hard to remember that now, with Kanda's cock in his hand and his mouth pressed against Lavi's fast-beating pulse.]
But, well, it's probably close enough as far as Kanda is concerned. He breathes, quick and erratic, into the hollow of Lavi's collarbone, clutching Lavi's hand with a grip that's far too tight to be comfortable. Without thinking, he shifts forward, throwing his leg over Lavi's to make it easier to chase Lavi's strokes, even with just the tiniest jerks of his hips. He's human enough for instincts, it seems--not that any such thoughts are anywhere near his brain right now. All he can think about is how hot he feels from within, for once; how damp Lavi's skin has grown from his panting; how every other ounce of his attention is taken up by Lavi's hand around his cock, by his scent, by Lavi, all Lavi--]
--Lavi. [There's something uncertain in his tone, coupled with an undercurrent of urgency matching the way his fingers dig into Lavi's waist. He doesn't know what he's asking for, what he needs--only that Lavi has it.]
[Lavi immediately shudders, because it's his name that Kanda is calling -- and that he's said it at all sends a shock wave through Lavi, zig-zagging all the way down the length of his spine and further, heightening his arousal. He shouldn't be this viscerally turned on just by this, but he is, because Kanda doesn't say his name lightly, if at all, and it pulls the intimacy of this moment even more tightly around them. He's Lavi, and Lavi is a foolish, hopeful cynic who enjoys putting Kanda off as much as he likes being with him, who likes peeling him apart and keeping him a secret -- who cares about Kanda as a friend, and also as someone more, someone a lot more, someone so much more --
someone who wants only what Lavi can give him.
Lavi keeps up the same pace, the same pressure, like he wants to keep Kanda at that precipice just for a moment longer, just long enough for him to angle his head back so he can see Kanda's face. He's already seen so much of Kanda that no one else has, and he's greedy for more -- he wants this too, he wants to see the lines of his face as Kanda comes apart from his touch, if his mouth falls open or presses shut, if Kanda's eyes meet his or dart away, if he turns the same faint shade of pink in the bright moonlight -- Lavi needs to see, he has to see.
His gaze is completely fixed on Kanda, utterly still, but his hand pumps him harder, faster, speeding up the already frenetic pace so that Lavi can finally give him not only what he needs, but something he might actually desire,]
[He's expecting Lavi to talk, but he doesn't have the attention to spare for surprise when Lavi doesn't. It doesn't really matter anyway--the way Lavi shivers, the way he shifts and moves and adjusts, they're all language too. Kanda doesn't need words to know that Lavi is encouraging him, pulling him further under the waves with the promise that the depths are safe.
He does think, briefly, that Lavi should've just asked him to strip completely if this was what he wanted--his gloves feel like they've melted against his skin, and his legs feel uncomfortably constricted at this angle. But none of that is enough to douse the heat that's built up within him, and Lavi might as well be pouring molten gold into his veins with every stroke of his long fingers.
His stamina in battle can't help him here, but Kanda has no reason to try and hold out. The only thing holding him back is fear--that part of himself that will never die, the part that trusts nothing and no one, the part that waits, endlessly braced for pain and broken promises, clawing and biting at anything tender or kind before it can be used against him. He feels so good, and Lavi is telling him through actions that he can keep this, that he can feel even better, but that seems impossible. Every jolt of pleasure is more terrifying than the last, and he doesn't want to dig his heels in, but Lavi is dragging him closer and closer to a precipice, and how can he possibly trust what waits at the bottom? He doesn't want to hit dark water all over again.
But he's stronger than he used to be. Or rather... more capable of letting himself be weak, at least with this specific person in this specific way. He opens his eyes, tilting his head up to catch Lavi's gaze--searching, in a way, but mostly reaffirming. And just as he'd thought, the look on Lavi's face instantly assuages his worries. There's no mistaking that hunger, more intense than Kanda's ever seen it--so much so that it's his turn to shake, overwhelmed, trusting enough to let himself be overwhelmed.
Of course Lavi will catch him when he falls. Lavi wants far too much of him not to. Later, he'll look back on this and know that there was never any reason for doubt or fear--but right now, that greed feels far more reliable than Lavi's love.
It's enough, in any case. Kanda doesn't consciously decide this--he just meets Lavi's gaze, and inhales sharply, and knows, instinctively, that he's done for. He curses once before he presses up, urgently mashing his mouth against Lavi's--not so much a kiss as an attempt to muffle the soft, high noises that escape him. He squeezes his eyes shut as he comes, blindly dragging Lavi closer, until there's barely enough space for Lavi's hand between them. Maybe greed is contagious, because it's not enough--every place they aren't touching feels like ice compared to the rush of heat throughout him, but he can't stop himself from chasing every last ounce of pleasure to be found in Lavi's touch, not even to kiss Lavi properly or to mold their bodies together completely. Even when it starts to hurt, he doesn't stop--Lavi will have to be the one to ease back first.]
[Lavi pulls back, but Kanda surges up to meet him, and any protests vanish in the hot, wet heat of Kanda's mouth and tongue, because Lavi can still see with all his other senses. He can see the pivotal moment run through Kanda like a live wire, and he adds a muffled groan of his own, exulting in the knowledge of it, like a historian would at something new, like a clumsy, eager lover would at the crest of his partner's pleasure.
It's tempting the way Kanda keeps moving underneath his hand -- and Lavi has just enough of that clumsy eagerness in him to think about keeping this up, to fall mesmerized by the desperate thrust of Kanda's hips... but no, a streak of rationale convinces him otherwise -- that and his pants are really unbearably tight, reminding him that whatever else he tries to draw Kanda into next, he should get to taking off the rest of their clothes? It's a wonderfully pleasant idea for later, but in the meantime -- his hand finally draws back as Lavi kisses Kanda back, properly, and then shifts his attention to his cheek, neck and as much collarbone as he can reach.
There's so much he wants to say because Lavi can never shut up, but he contents himself (FOR NOW) with humming soft, pleased noises as he nips the hollow of Kanda's throat, enjoying the salty taste of his skin, shining with exertion. He's perfectly happy to stay pressed against Kanda like this for however long Kanda wants him to, despite the heat. It really is getting so hot... Lavi will move... later.... for now he just wants to kiss and cuddle and wait for Kanda to catch his breath,]
[Well that's all well and good and Kanda will definitely take advantage of his patience to gradually come down from his high, savoring the warm affection of Lavi's hands and mouth even more than the remnants of ecstasy within him, but as soon as he's got some clarity back he just
shoves Lavi rudely
Imagine if I said ONTO THE FLOOR no just onto his back. He finally lifts his head again as he does, and his gaze is as direct and intense as always as he looks at Lavi, though he is, of course, oblivious to the fact that his eyes are much darker than they usually are. Even if he knew, he wouldn't care; he's busy finally peeling his own gloves off, tossing them carelessly to the side. If Lavi tries to sit up while he's doing that he'll just shove him back down again because he is the worst]
[HOPE KANDA ENJOYS THE LOOK OF utter bewilderment on Lavi's face as he's shoved off!! He instinctively tries to scramble back up, only to get pushed back down for his troubles. Usually, this would be his cue to somehow finagle an escape -- maybe post-orgasm Kanda is even crankier than normal Kanda and he's about to kick Lavi's ass about it --
but then his gaze darts up to meet Kanda's, and he swallows -- the sound audible now that the room isn't filled with their panting breaths, pinned in place by the intensity he can see in Kanda's eyes. even the brisk, quick way Kanda pulls off his gloves has Lavi riveted -- revealing the curve of his wrists, and his long, elegant fingers.
He doesn't have a hand kink, he thinks, but... maybe he does... Or is it just another part of Kanda for him to be infatuated with? he relaxes, enjoying the view -- Kanda's long hair spilling over his shoulders, strands sticking to the sheen of sweat on his chest, his pants unbuttoned and open, which makes for a very illicit picture --]
You look good, Yuu.
[he can't sit up with Kanda laying him flat again, so he stretches out his hands instead, digging his thumb into Kanda's hip,]
Lemme take these off for ya.
[should have done it EARLIER but he was too horny to think about it..... he's still horny -- yes well]
[HELP IMAGINE ALL THAT EFFORT JUST TO GET AN ANGRY KANDA IN THE END
Fortunately that's not the case; once his gloves are off, he sits up, uncaring that he's trapped one of Lavi's legs with the way he's sitting. Though he does frown down at Lavi, it's out of confusion rather than anger. He reaches out, splaying his fingers and pressing his bared palm to the center of Lavi's chest.]
Why?
[Isn't it Lavi's turn... that's how this works?? He knows THAT much, surely.]
[angry Kanda is cute..... but confused Kanda is even cuter.... is it the horniness talking or is this just normal lavi behavior... perhaps both,
he shivers at the warmth of Kanda's hand, arching up just enough to press against it. the pressure is insanely distracting because he's starting to think about how much better Kanda's hand would feel between his legs -- but oh yeah he had a point to this]
[WELL YEAH he believes Lavi, he just doesn't want to take a detour away from his original intentions of touching Lavi... why would he do something just because he'd "look good"...
He looks at Lavi a little longer, not even particularly swayed by the logic because above all he just likes to do what he wants--but what he wants to do right now is to make Lavi feel the way he just did, and Lavi has made it abundantly clear that he likes looking at him, so. He rolls his eyes, but he shifts off of Lavi to flop back down on the bed beside him. He lets his head loll to the side and looks at Lavi like "well hurry it up then" like an IMPATIENT JERK, though not so impatient that he won't let Lavi do this like he'd asked to, at least. Thanks Kanda.]
[Lavi immediately shows his gratitude by, as always, TESTING HIS LUCK... in that he scoots over to plant a kiss on Kanda's impatient mouth first... before all else... even though Kanda told him to HURRY IT UP with his LASER EYED GAZE. maybe that's the reason why Lavi doesn't deepen the kiss, breaking it off to instead attend to business --
by taking his own pants off first.... but with all the haste, and it's maybe the fastest Lavi has ever stripped before, because he tosses his clothing aside to join wherever their gloves are, and then finally -- finally reaches over to do the same to Kanda. He does like looking at him, at any time and in any way, but this moment itself -- with Kanda's head tilted to the side and the rest of him bare -- is worth another look, and another. Just to take in the details, and mark the differences from all those other times they've seen each other naked -- like the atmosphere, the intimacy of their bed, their feelings for each other.
Lavi hooks a hand under Kanda's knee, lifting his leg up just high enough so he can kiss Kanda's thigh, gently at first, before he suddenly bites down.... AKUMA BEHAVIOR except he doesn't bite hard enough to hurt, just sucks hard enough to leave a bruise, even though there's a high chance it won't last with Kanda's healing factor, and maybe later Lavi will realize that and avoid leaving any hickeys at all -- worried instead about Kanda's ever-shortening life span -- but that moment isn't now. right now's just for curiosity and adoration, it's for exploring and figuring out what Kanda likes and doesn't like, what he wants from Lavi and what he can do without.]
[It would be easy, when Lavi pauses to drink in the sight of him, to shove him back down and take over. Kanda isn't polite, after all--he has no particular intentions of being a generous lover, no strong desire to do anything purely out of love for Lavi. He's found that he wants to touch, yes, to watch Lavi fall apart in his hands, but that's because he wants to see it for himself, not out of any spirit of reciprocity. He wants to make Lavi feel good too, but it's because he enjoys being the only person to have the power to strip away layer after layer of Lavi's defenses, the only one who can trap him, corner him, back to the wall, until Lavi has no choice but to show the truth of himself, whether that's pleasure or pain, love or rage. He could pin Lavi down, wrap a hand around him, and throw him mercilessly over the edge, and it's purely his own selfish choice not to.
(At least--that's what he tells himself. And if there's traces of warmth in the heat of his gaze, if his eyes linger on Lavi's face more than they roam over his body... well, it's not like Lavi can make him admit it.)
Regardless of reasoning, he does not lose patience and throw Lavi onto (or out of) the bed... YET... no promises that he won't. He just watches Lavi--and he hisses at the sudden bite, his leg jerking more out of surprise than pain--and then he stabs Lavi who is clearly possessed. No okay BUT after the initial surprise, he reaches over to grab Lavi's hair, pulling his head up. It's not like it felt bad (though it's a little confusing to experience a type of pain that also feels good for once), but--]
What are you doing. [He really thought Lavi would be clamoring for his turn right away so this detour is throwing him off]
but instead he's being YANKED... normally he'd start whining at being treated so ROUGHLY, but his sharp intake of breath isn't from pain, and neither is the dark look in his eye. Lavi would never think of himself as a guy who enjoys pain, not when their day jobs involve so much of it -- but he's in that hazy sort of state where everything feels good. Also, having Kanda's focus is intoxicating for a guy who always pesters him for attention...]
[Somehow it doesn't surprise Kanda that Lavi likes this--but he isn't sure if "Lavi likes everything" is another part of the facade he bought into, or if it's an assumption drawn from Lavi stating, quite clearly, that he simply wanted to enjoy their time together. It bothers him a little, not knowing. If his thoughts were a little clearer, maybe he'd remember that Lavi, too, is still learning his own authentic tastes and interests--but Kanda isn't really interested in existential pondering right this second.
He keeps his hand in Lavi's hair for now, though, since he's not sure yet if he'll want to loosen his grip and comb his fingers through it, or use it to fling Lavi out the window... it all depends on Lavi...]
You already did that. [
Damn maybe he shouldn't have admitted that so easily. He walked into that one]
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It's a near thing, but he catches himself in time to let Lavi pull him down. His hair cord is tied too securely to fall out, but getting his shirt off knocked it aside just enough to be a little uncomfortable, so he reaches up to tug it out as Lavi presses into his space again, tactile and chatty as always. THERE ARE TWO WOLVES INSIDE OF KANDA... THE ONE THAT THINKS LAVI IS SO ANNOYING AND THE ONE THAT LIKES HIM ANYWAY!!! Despite it all... or maybe because of it all... thankfully Kanda won't realize he has a type for 20 years, if he ever does,,,
Anyway he does not say "no" even though he probably should just to keep Lavi on his toes. But he's still himself which means he's allergic to answering like a normal person. Instead, he presses his lips together and averts his gaze, which is easy to do when Lavi can't see his expression]
You talk too damn much. [GRUMBLE GROUCH COMPLAIN but listen, he thinks it's obvious that he'd just kick Lavi off the bed if Lavi did anything he didn't like, there's no need to SAY it]
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It's why he shifts back so he can look at him anew again, gaze tracing the now loose strands of Kanda's hair falling over his face, neck, shoulders. It's technically not the first time Lavi's seen Kanda with his hair down.... but it is in this context, when they're both warm and relaxed and so close together, without being weighed down by an uncertain future. It's why the mischievous tilt of his smile fades a little, the look in his eye turning rueful instead,]
Sorry.
[he DOES talk too much... though he'd never apologize for this terrible character flaw, but maybe there's another reason why he's so chatty... he brushes his hand through Kanda's hair, running his fingers lightly through the now soft hair, the texture so markedly different from the last time Lavi touched him. Like it's driving home just how new this is for the both of them. For Lavi, especially. Lavi's never had a love he'd dedicate his life for, or met anyone as important to him as Kanda is now. He knows nothing about putting someone else first, or of making anyone happy. He's never cared enough to try, until now.
He'd say that all now, and a part of him thinks Kanda would listen like he always does, but it's kind of terrifying to admit that Lavi's completely clueless. That he might be wasting Kanda's time. He lifts his palm, watching Kanda's hair run down his hand, inky black against the scarlet red of the bracelets he's still wearing. It's terrifying, but the words come out anyway,]
...I guess it's cause I'm nervous.
[will this change once Lavi gets really into it and starts being really vocal in bed yes but listen.... for now.... he's eager and passionate and also unsure and shy and afraid of ruining yet another part of Kanda's life,]
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In truth, he suspects it's not as much of a lie as Lavi thinks it is--after all, Kanda's the one who's seen him with Allen and the others, the one standing at a far enough distance to see the polish wear off of Lavi's smile. But that and this are very different things. And regardless... the eager Lavi who can't keep his mouth shut, or the uncertain Lavi he's seeing now--in the end, how Lavi acts doesn't matter, as long as it's genuine. That's all Kanda needs, but it's asking everything of Lavi. He knows that.
He sighs, reaching up to take Lavi's wrist and pull his hand back down, closer to his face. He closes his eyes and turns his head, speaking into Lavi's palm.]
Don't be. You can't fuck up any worse than you did when we met. [THANKS KANDA THAT'S SO REASSURING... it's also technically not quite true, because Lavi has a lot more power to hurt him now than he did back when Kanda didn't know or care who he was. But they didn't wind up here for nothing. If Kanda didn't trust that Lavi won't purposely fuck up--if he didn't think Lavi capable of handling his inevitable fuck-ups, of which there are bound to be many--then Lavi would know it.]
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But that's something Kanda knows too, maybe even better than Lavi does. If Lavi can't have the usual assurances from Kanda, then he'll take this instead -- their shared understanding, and their desire to try. And Kanda is trying, more than Lavi thought he ever would. He shouldn't spend this chance he's given being anxious about what might never happen. Kanda can't see his expression, but he can probably hear the warmth returning in Lavi's voice,]
I was trying to annoy you back then.
[his palm feels tingly, and he soothes the itch by brushing it against Kanda's cheek,]
...But now, I just wanna make you happy.
[this time, he doesn't ask what Kanda thinks about that. He tries to gather the answer from his lips instead,]
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Speaking would mean saying something like I don't know if you can, because I don't know if I can, and it matters that you want to try, but I don't know if we can be enough for each other, and I don't know what I'll do if we live long enough to realize we're not, so if you're going to talk, just don't remind me of how hard this is--a thousand vulnerable, complicated sentiments that Kanda wouldn't know how to give voice to, even if he wanted to. It's far, far preferable to turn his focus to the soft warmth of Lavi's lips, the shape of his close presence that Kanda can sense perfectly, even without opening his eyes. He's mostly left the reaching out to Lavi, content to show his approval through permissiveness like he so often does, but now, he uses his grip on Lavi's wrist to tug him a little bit closer, an awkward attempt at assuaging Lavi's worries.
He's not sure if he's capable of happiness. But at least for tonight, he doesn't think he'll regret putting himself in Lavi's hands. And that's close enough, as far as he's concerned.]
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His hand slides back onto Kanda's chest, feeling skin but at the same time not nearly enough -- so he pulls his glove off with his other hand, somehow managing this without breaking Kanda's grip on his wrist. But his free hand is now GLOVELESS, and he immediately resumes his journey tracing bare skin, only pausing long enough to work the buckle of Kanda's pants free. He wants to touch, to devour, but his movements are slow even so, because he's entirely at Kanda's mercy, because every motion only exists as long as Kanda wants it too.
And if he does, then Lavi will continue -- pulling down that last barrier of fabric, trailing his fingers down Kanda's length, memorizing the shape of him through touch. It's a good thing Lavi runs warm because imagine just sticking a frosty hand down Kanda's pants..... He'd get punched out..... Luckily for him, he's warm -- so warm, heat flashing through him even though it's Kanda being touched -- and maybe that's the reason why, because even if Lavi can't make him happy in the way normal people who aren't them can be -- then he can at least make him feel good.]
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Kanda is all of those things, but he's not a gentle person by nature, so it's a good thing that Lavi pulls himself together, because as soon as his touch starts to wander, Kanda immediately abandons all his efforts to be soft and comforting. His nails dig into Lavi's wrist as Lavi's fingers dip below his waistband--not a protest, but a reflex, as sharp and violent as almost everything else about Kanda.
Case in point: Lavi's touch is so light, but in breaking their kiss to catch his breath, Kanda ducks his head and bangs it against Lavi's,,, OW]
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Lavi lets out a pained grunt, because the last thing he expected was Kanda to HEADBUTT HIM, and his hand that was very carefully exploring earlier ends up GRIPPING Kanda HARDER out of SURPRISE!!
he's not sure whether he should do that again to look like he meant it or try to dodge the next headbutt]
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Well assuming he didn't grab hard enough to hurt, Kanda doesn't headbutt him again--he just hisses, pressing his face into Lavi's neck, which was what he was trying to do originally. It's just that Lavi's hand is so warm, and Kanda is so terribly unused to all of this, so is it any wonder that his reactions are uncharacteristically graceless...
He doesn't apologize, because of course he doesn't. At least he finally lets go of Lavi's wrist, though it's mostly because it's an awkward angle for his arm. He doesn't apologize for any marks from his nails, either, though it's a toss-up whether he even notices he left them. Lavi's shirt is off, so he can't grab onto that instead--he leaves his hand hovering uncertainly between them for a moment before he settles it on Lavi's waist, just under his ribs. Lavi's in the same body he's always had, and Kanda's touched Lavi's bare skin before, but... that was almost always to treat wounds, or just by chance. It feels different now, when he's paying attention to the heat of him, to the softness of his unmarred skin compared to any traces of scars he might have. Things Kanda never spared a thought to before, but they're all he can focus on now, with all of his senses overtaken by Lavi.]
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But it doesn't take Lavi long to realize that the earlier headbutt was out of surprise rather than VIOLENCE, and he also can't deny the fact that he's endeared by this awkward behavior... He just thinks Kanda is so cute..... He thinks he's sooo cute!!! Like the way Kanda ducks his head into the hollow of Lavi's neck, like it's his turn to be flustered and shy. Though nothing about the marks in Lavi's wrist seem like either, stinging in a way that he relishes. There's the pain inflicted during a spar, and then there's this -- little pinpricks of pleasure shivering through him, emanating from where Kanda is touching him in return.
He's not that sensitive to touch, a consequence from accruing so many scars in such a short time, but he can still feel Kanda's hand, and that feeling encourages him to respond in kind, applying more pressure in firm, long strokes. He reaches for Kanda's free hand, pressing it down against the sheets with their fingers intertwined, giving him something else to hold as Lavi keeps up the relentless pace.
Earlier, he'd been determined not to overwhelm. But it's hard to remember that now, with Kanda's cock in his hand and his mouth pressed against Lavi's fast-beating pulse.]
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But, well, it's probably close enough as far as Kanda is concerned. He breathes, quick and erratic, into the hollow of Lavi's collarbone, clutching Lavi's hand with a grip that's far too tight to be comfortable. Without thinking, he shifts forward, throwing his leg over Lavi's to make it easier to chase Lavi's strokes, even with just the tiniest jerks of his hips. He's human enough for instincts, it seems--not that any such thoughts are anywhere near his brain right now. All he can think about is how hot he feels from within, for once; how damp Lavi's skin has grown from his panting; how every other ounce of his attention is taken up by Lavi's hand around his cock, by his scent, by Lavi, all Lavi--]
--Lavi. [There's something uncertain in his tone, coupled with an undercurrent of urgency matching the way his fingers dig into Lavi's waist. He doesn't know what he's asking for, what he needs--only that Lavi has it.]
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someone who wants only what Lavi can give him.
Lavi keeps up the same pace, the same pressure, like he wants to keep Kanda at that precipice just for a moment longer, just long enough for him to angle his head back so he can see Kanda's face. He's already seen so much of Kanda that no one else has, and he's greedy for more -- he wants this too, he wants to see the lines of his face as Kanda comes apart from his touch, if his mouth falls open or presses shut, if Kanda's eyes meet his or dart away, if he turns the same faint shade of pink in the bright moonlight -- Lavi needs to see, he has to see.
His gaze is completely fixed on Kanda, utterly still, but his hand pumps him harder, faster, speeding up the already frenetic pace so that Lavi can finally give him not only what he needs, but something he might actually desire,]
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He does think, briefly, that Lavi should've just asked him to strip completely if this was what he wanted--his gloves feel like they've melted against his skin, and his legs feel uncomfortably constricted at this angle. But none of that is enough to douse the heat that's built up within him, and Lavi might as well be pouring molten gold into his veins with every stroke of his long fingers.
His stamina in battle can't help him here, but Kanda has no reason to try and hold out. The only thing holding him back is fear--that part of himself that will never die, the part that trusts nothing and no one, the part that waits, endlessly braced for pain and broken promises, clawing and biting at anything tender or kind before it can be used against him. He feels so good, and Lavi is telling him through actions that he can keep this, that he can feel even better, but that seems impossible. Every jolt of pleasure is more terrifying than the last, and he doesn't want to dig his heels in, but Lavi is dragging him closer and closer to a precipice, and how can he possibly trust what waits at the bottom? He doesn't want to hit dark water all over again.
But he's stronger than he used to be. Or rather... more capable of letting himself be weak, at least with this specific person in this specific way. He opens his eyes, tilting his head up to catch Lavi's gaze--searching, in a way, but mostly reaffirming. And just as he'd thought, the look on Lavi's face instantly assuages his worries. There's no mistaking that hunger, more intense than Kanda's ever seen it--so much so that it's his turn to shake, overwhelmed, trusting enough to let himself be overwhelmed.
Of course Lavi will catch him when he falls. Lavi wants far too much of him not to. Later, he'll look back on this and know that there was never any reason for doubt or fear--but right now, that greed feels far more reliable than Lavi's love.
It's enough, in any case. Kanda doesn't consciously decide this--he just meets Lavi's gaze, and inhales sharply, and knows, instinctively, that he's done for. He curses once before he presses up, urgently mashing his mouth against Lavi's--not so much a kiss as an attempt to muffle the soft, high noises that escape him. He squeezes his eyes shut as he comes, blindly dragging Lavi closer, until there's barely enough space for Lavi's hand between them. Maybe greed is contagious, because it's not enough--every place they aren't touching feels like ice compared to the rush of heat throughout him, but he can't stop himself from chasing every last ounce of pleasure to be found in Lavi's touch, not even to kiss Lavi properly or to mold their bodies together completely. Even when it starts to hurt, he doesn't stop--Lavi will have to be the one to ease back first.]
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It's tempting the way Kanda keeps moving underneath his hand -- and Lavi has just enough of that clumsy eagerness in him to think about keeping this up, to fall mesmerized by the desperate thrust of Kanda's hips... but no, a streak of rationale convinces him otherwise -- that and his pants are really unbearably tight, reminding him that whatever else he tries to draw Kanda into next, he should get to taking off the rest of their clothes? It's a wonderfully pleasant idea for later, but in the meantime -- his hand finally draws back as Lavi kisses Kanda back, properly, and then shifts his attention to his cheek, neck and as much collarbone as he can reach.
There's so much he wants to say because Lavi can never shut up, but he contents himself (FOR NOW) with humming soft, pleased noises as he nips the hollow of Kanda's throat, enjoying the salty taste of his skin, shining with exertion. He's perfectly happy to stay pressed against Kanda like this for however long Kanda wants him to, despite the heat. It really is getting so hot... Lavi will move... later.... for now he just wants to kiss and cuddle and wait for Kanda to catch his breath,]
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shoves Lavi rudely
Imagine if I said ONTO THE FLOOR no just onto his back. He finally lifts his head again as he does, and his gaze is as direct and intense as always as he looks at Lavi, though he is, of course, oblivious to the fact that his eyes are much darker than they usually are. Even if he knew, he wouldn't care; he's busy finally peeling his own gloves off, tossing them carelessly to the side. If Lavi tries to sit up while he's doing that he'll just shove him back down again because he is the worst]
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[HOPE KANDA ENJOYS THE LOOK OF utter bewilderment on Lavi's face as he's shoved off!! He instinctively tries to scramble back up, only to get pushed back down for his troubles. Usually, this would be his cue to somehow finagle an escape -- maybe post-orgasm Kanda is even crankier than normal Kanda and he's about to kick Lavi's ass about it --
but then his gaze darts up to meet Kanda's, and he swallows -- the sound audible now that the room isn't filled with their panting breaths, pinned in place by the intensity he can see in Kanda's eyes. even the brisk, quick way Kanda pulls off his gloves has Lavi riveted -- revealing the curve of his wrists, and his long, elegant fingers.
He doesn't have a hand kink, he thinks, but... maybe he does... Or is it just another part of Kanda for him to be infatuated with? he relaxes, enjoying the view -- Kanda's long hair spilling over his shoulders, strands sticking to the sheen of sweat on his chest, his pants unbuttoned and open, which makes for a very illicit picture --]
You look good, Yuu.
[he can't sit up with Kanda laying him flat again, so he stretches out his hands instead, digging his thumb into Kanda's hip,]
Lemme take these off for ya.
[should have done it EARLIER but he was too horny to think about it..... he's still horny -- yes well]
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Fortunately that's not the case; once his gloves are off, he sits up, uncaring that he's trapped one of Lavi's legs with the way he's sitting. Though he does frown down at Lavi, it's out of confusion rather than anger. He reaches out, splaying his fingers and pressing his bared palm to the center of Lavi's chest.]
Why?
[Isn't it Lavi's turn... that's how this works?? He knows THAT much, surely.]
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he shivers at the warmth of Kanda's hand, arching up just enough to press against it. the pressure is insanely distracting because he's starting to think about how much better Kanda's hand would feel between his legs -- but oh yeah he had a point to this]
Cause you'd look even better with 'em off.
[HE JUST WANTS KANDA TO BE NAKED....]
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And you won't feel as hot!
[what a sensible, logical reason!!!!]
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He looks at Lavi a little longer, not even particularly swayed by the logic because above all he just likes to do what he wants--but what he wants to do right now is to make Lavi feel the way he just did, and Lavi has made it abundantly clear that he likes looking at him, so. He rolls his eyes, but he shifts off of Lavi to flop back down on the bed beside him. He lets his head loll to the side and looks at Lavi like "well hurry it up then" like an IMPATIENT JERK, though not so impatient that he won't let Lavi do this like he'd asked to, at least. Thanks Kanda.]
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by taking his own pants off first.... but with all the haste, and it's maybe the fastest Lavi has ever stripped before, because he tosses his clothing aside to join wherever their gloves are, and then finally -- finally reaches over to do the same to Kanda. He does like looking at him, at any time and in any way, but this moment itself -- with Kanda's head tilted to the side and the rest of him bare -- is worth another look, and another. Just to take in the details, and mark the differences from all those other times they've seen each other naked -- like the atmosphere, the intimacy of their bed, their feelings for each other.
Lavi hooks a hand under Kanda's knee, lifting his leg up just high enough so he can kiss Kanda's thigh, gently at first, before he suddenly bites down.... AKUMA BEHAVIOR except he doesn't bite hard enough to hurt, just sucks hard enough to leave a bruise, even though there's a high chance it won't last with Kanda's healing factor, and maybe later Lavi will realize that and avoid leaving any hickeys at all -- worried instead about Kanda's ever-shortening life span -- but that moment isn't now. right now's just for curiosity and adoration, it's for exploring and figuring out what Kanda likes and doesn't like, what he wants from Lavi and what he can do without.]
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(At least--that's what he tells himself. And if there's traces of warmth in the heat of his gaze, if his eyes linger on Lavi's face more than they roam over his body... well, it's not like Lavi can make him admit it.)
Regardless of reasoning, he does not lose patience and throw Lavi onto (or out of) the bed... YET... no promises that he won't. He just watches Lavi--and he hisses at the sudden bite, his leg jerking more out of surprise than pain--and then he stabs Lavi who is clearly possessed. No okay BUT after the initial surprise, he reaches over to grab Lavi's hair, pulling his head up. It's not like it felt bad (though it's a little confusing to experience a type of pain that also feels good for once), but--]
What are you doing. [He really thought Lavi would be clamoring for his turn right away so this detour is throwing him off]
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but instead he's being YANKED... normally he'd start whining at being treated so ROUGHLY, but his sharp intake of breath isn't from pain, and neither is the dark look in his eye. Lavi would never think of himself as a guy who enjoys pain, not when their day jobs involve so much of it -- but he's in that hazy sort of state where everything feels good. Also, having Kanda's focus is intoxicating for a guy who always pesters him for attention...]
Just trying to make you feel nice.
[😏😏 "again"]
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He keeps his hand in Lavi's hair for now, though, since he's not sure yet if he'll want to loosen his grip and comb his fingers through it, or use it to fling Lavi out the window... it all depends on Lavi...]
You already did that. [
Damn maybe he shouldn't have admitted that so easily. He walked into that one]
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the way my paid ran out but I still have my cat icons
LSDMFLFDS AND UR HAPPY KANDA ICON time to switch for every tag
THAT'S HORRIFYING
banging makes kanda happy......
YEAH BUT HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THAT ABOUT IT
he could.... (pleading)
STOP LAVI WOULD BE SO SCARED
LSDMFDSL (lavi voice) BANGING CHANGED KANDA.....
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renews my paid and realizes 90% of these icons are angry anyway THIS WAS POINTLESS
SKDLFFDS STOP KANDA'S BEAUTIFUL FAAAACE
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the way I got confused bc I was logged in as kaveh... locked out of my own post
U BANNED URSELF ig kaveh and lavi know each other in the superhell mg universe
THEY REALLY DO unless scara destroyed sumeru and kaveh is dead
STOP I WILL SAVE KAVEH
LMFKJHDG he's just stuck in the roller coaster dimension forever
NOOOOO
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