[In another life, maybe Kanda would've been the sort of person to flirt and tease, to play a leisurely game with the pieces that make up "Lavi," until the picture of him was spread out between them, ready to be taken apart and remade over and over at Kanda's will. Once, he'd thought he could be the sort of person who smiled and laughed in the darkness, too. And maybe, in some other timeline, he's pressing that smile into Lavi's neck and telling him he cares about the color of his scarf or the style of his earrings, regardless of whether or not it's true.
This Kanda doesn't have the patience for that. He watches Lavi put the headband aside, but he's more interested in the expression on Lavi's face, the playfulness he knows so well and the shyness that's new and, somehow, endearing. Maybe he should be surprised by it, but... he knows what it's like, trying to figure out "who" you are, when all you've ever been is a "what."
He can tell they're not talking about disguises anymore. But he doesn't need Lavi to mold himself into something new, even in these little, relatively harmless ways. He will not be the glass that holds Lavi's formless shape. But he doesn't know how to tell Lavi that he's already everything Kanda wants, and this is still too fragile for him to say those words exactly.
Instead, he does what he does best, and cuts through to the heart of it all. He doesn't move to meet Lavi halfway, because he's spoiled by Lavi's desire, even if he doesn't realize it. Instead, he reaches out and puts his free hand on Lavi's face, drawing him forward until there's almost no space between them. He rests his lips against Lavi's brow, where the headband was a minute ago--he doesn't plant a kiss there, but his mouth brushes against Lavi's skin with each word he speaks.]
Are you going to keep wasting time, or are you going to say what you want?
[He goes willingly when Kanda draws him closer, relaxing against his hold, tempted to look up and instead staying perfectly in place, so Lavi can feel the words against his skin -- soft and sharp, in the way only Kanda can ever be. He's so close -- they've been even closer before, but not in this way -- the air charged and full of anticipation, no longer on the cusp of a decision made, but exploring the moment after.
This is what he wanted, this is what he still wants. He hums his answer back, tilting his head so he can press his mouth against the line of Kanda's jaw, indulging in the nearness and physicality of him -- of the warmth he can feel emanating from his cool skin, of knowing that he's only this close because Kanda is letting him. If he's feeling woozy, then it must be because it's going straight to his head, to his erratic heartbeat,]
You.
[he breathes out, the word sounding so much like Kanda's name, both perfect for this occasion. Yuu. I want Yuu. He brushes his lips against Kanda's cheek, the corner of his mouth, and then he's kissing him, as gentle as the first time, coaxing and hopeful. Nothing like how they usually are, but Lavi likes this as much as he likes the roughhousing. Rarely does he have the opportunity to touch Kanda like this -- in a way he hopes the other man will like. He slides his other hand on Kanda's hip, tracing the fabric of his shirt, thumb tucked under the hem and pressing against bare skin,]
[There are times, probably more than Lavi would like, that Kanda simply isn't in the mood to be touched. He still values his space more than the average person, even if he's more lenient with Lavi than most people would think him capable of being.
But this is different. He'd known what Lavi was asking for when he agreed to come back here, so there's no surprise when he feels Lavi's hand on him, no leaning away when Lavi moves closer. He denied Lavi a full kiss on the hill, but he indulges him now, his hand falling to rest on Lavi's shoulder and around the back of his neck, brushing through the short hairs curling over his fingers. He's not good at being patient or gentle, but Lavi is, and Kanda doesn't mind following his lead like this, at least for a little while.
He lets Lavi kiss him more than he really tries to kiss back, but it's not out of disinterest. It's just easier to focus on relaxing, this way--when all he has to think about is keeping his mouth pliant and following the gentle cues of Lavi's touch, because Lavi is willing to do the rest. Accommodating him, reaching out far, far more than halfway, just like he always does. Kanda doesn't know why Lavi thinks he, of all people, is worth breaking the rules for, but... luckily for both of them, he's not the type to ask those kinds of questions. All that matters is that they're here, together, and something like safe.]
[Lavi's never been drunk before, but this feeling must be something like it -- this heady warmth, the desire to plunge in deeper and deeper, all his senses bent on how Kanda tastes, his fingers curled in Lavi's hair, every second spent still kissing Lavi like this is what Kanda wants. Lavi could drown in it, this moment blotting out everything else when normally his senses are so sharp. This must be why they're not allowed to drink, not allowed to love. It's all-consuming. All his senses and thoughts are bent on Kanda, he'll remember every single detail of this moment shared, but not anything else, not whether the window was open, or the crowd tonight rowdier than usual. It's all inconsequential in comparison, and that's the danger of it. That a person can choose just the one over all else.
He licks at the seam of Kanda's lips, encouraging them to part for him, enjoying how relaxed Kanda feels because he rarely ever is, even with Lavi. He wants to deepen the kiss, and see how else Kanda feels about it, and what he'll do in return.
Kanda's back is still pressed against the wall, so Lavi shifts his hand over the plane of his stomach, feeling the muscle there. He's seen Kanda topless so many times that he can picture it with clarity, and he lets the image guide his hand -- pressing in as he deepens the kiss between them. Maybe this counts as pushing his luck, but it's his tried and true method of learning when it comes to Kanda, testing his reactions, figuring him out.
In this case, it's all to feel what Kanda likes, to learn more of his quirks, and also put up a hopefully convincing argument for why kissing is great and why they should do this all the time?]
[When the Order built the creation known as "Yuu," they made sure to make him durable. Regenerative powers strong enough to challenge the very notion of mortality, and a pain tolerance that's allowed him to push through attacks no human could withstand--such traits are the reason why he's always been something of a prized possession, even to the zealous, unfeeling upper ranks.
As for the rest, naturally, his creators didn't care. Why would they? It didn't matter to them whether he could feel good, so long as he didn't feel bad enough to break down. If Kanda were ever to think about it, he'd guess they never thought he'd survive long enough for such a question to arise in the first place. He was always meant to be a weapon, after all.
But for better or for worse, he is human. Or at least--human enough for his skin to jump under Lavi's warm fingertips, stomach tight with tension he doesn't know how to let go of. Lavi wants to know what he likes, but Kanda wouldn't know what to tell him if he asked out loud, so for once, he's glad for Lavi's willingness to test his boundaries. There's probably something poetic about Lavi being the one to weave pleasure into the spells written into his core, but Kanda can't be bothered to think of it when he can focus on Lavi's mouth instead.
He parts his lips to let Lavi in, though he pulls back a second later, drawing in a shallow breath before he leans forward to try again. He's not sure how he feels about being so passive, but he's pretty sure Lavi won't risk destroying his chances of ever doing this again, so he's not worried about any annoying comments. Instead, he lets the soft heat of Lavi's mouth chase away his lingering thoughts, shivering at the little sparks that seem to dance through him, from his lips all the way to Lavi's hand. He lifts his other hand and grasps at Lavi's shirt almost on instinct--something he's done a thousand times for violent reasons, but this time, instead of throwing him off, he tugs Lavi closer.]
[It turns out that Lavi does know when to shut up... except he makes a little noise of protest when Kanda pulls back, so maybe he doesn't, actually. Luckily for him, Kanda comes back anyway, and maybe this is how Lavi is spoiled too -- in all the ways Kanda puts up with him, endures him, likes him. That's become important to him -- the liking, more important than annoying Kanda and getting a rise out of him.
Still, there's a flicker of surprise when Kanda yanks him closer instead of throwing him off, and then a curl of pleasure at the realization that Kanda wants more contact, not less. He must be doing something right then, because as much as he might have more experience, it's really only barely a handful. There's kissing and there's this, there's curiosity and there's the desire to explore it with only one person. He wants to know what Kanda likes and through him, know what he likes too. Maybe he can be more of a person when he does, a person Kanda will still accept.
He gives one more teasing sweep of his tongue, before it's his turn to pull back, mindful of the fact that they both need air. Instead, he runs his mouth down the line of Kanda's neck instead, gently kissing the skin there, pressing his lips against his pulse. He wants to feel it race, just like his own heart, which gives him a better idea -- which is to tug Kanda's shirt up until his chest is laid bare, so Lavi can kiss the space over his heart instead, and feel him that way.
A Bookman has no need for a heart, but it turns out that Lavi does. He needs the one Kanda has, and he needs his own to make that obvious.]
[Lavi pulls away, except he kind of doesn't? He moves, and technically, Kanda can breathe again--but it barely even registers, since his focus is locked onto the press of Lavi's mouth to his skin. He shifts a little, but he's not sure if he wants to press forward into the sensation or lean back to make this easier for Lavi, so in the end, he doesn't move far at all.
Maybe if his body didn't repair itself so completely, his nerves would be long dead. And it's not that he's sensitive now, exactly--he doesn't feel ticklish or overstimulated, even as Lavi pushes his shirt up and kisses his way down, past the cracked edges of his seal and over to where his core sits in his chest. But he certainly feels, and he's hyperaware of it in the same way he's ever-conscious of danger. He's not used to directing this sort of intensity at another person for any reason besides hatred or anger, and he feels restless with it. But he has no idea what to do about that, and he doesn't want to ask--doesn't want to interrupt Lavi and break the thick, warm atmosphere that's settled in between them.
But he's not good at doing nothing, either, so that restlessness bleeds out of him in little ways. He loosens his grip on Lavi's shirt, then tightens it again. He moves his other hand further up, brushing through Lavi's hair. He doesn't speak, but he breathes deeply, and his chest rises with it, as if he's making up for not knowing how to reach out to Lavi in return. He should probably be taking this opportunity to touch Lavi as well, but he's so focused on what Lavi is doing that it doesn't even occur to him to try.]
[As far as Lavi's concerned, all of this counts as trying, and he takes as much pleasure from it than if Kanda pinned him down like a dashing duke from a penny romance. Not to say that he wouldn't enjoy that, because he's pretty sure he would, but there's a difference between fantasy and reality -- and so far, reality's shaping up to be pretty damn great. Like the next deep breath Kanda takes, his ribcage expanding to meet Lavi's lips. It's just an inhale, but the intimacy of it sparks a thrill through him anyway, from his lips to the steadily building flush on the back of his neck, where he can feel Kanda's hand brush through his hair.
It's such a simple motion, but it's working him up as much as their earlier kisses did..... horny........... or affectionate........ or both......
And maybe Lavi's something of a cat too, because he rests his chin on Kanda's chest, peering up at him to take in his expression, wondering if it matches the one on Lavi's face, all warmth and lazy contentment. he presses against Kanda's hand,]
Feels nice...
[(kanda voice) well yeah obviously. his hand is still curled in the hem of Kanda's shirt, the other splayed flat against Kanda's chest, his tattoo peeking out from between Lavi's fingers,]
[NOT THE PENNY ROMANCES!!!! Maybe in the future, Kanda will do things like that... :flushed:... but listen, he's already direct and aggressive--add passion into the mix and it's not hard to make that leap.
Luckily for Lavi's flustered bottom tendencies, he's definitely not there yet. It is, perhaps, impossible for Kanda to look like a flustered bottom himself, but there is, at least, a faint dusting of pink across his face, barely visible in the last light of sunset but present nonetheless. That's Lavi's reward for his efforts.
He doesn't seem to realize he's been staring at Lavi until Lavi looks up at him and speaks; he blinks a few times before his expression twists into something half-heartedly grouchy. He's not shy, but it's still a little bit overwhelming to have Lavi looking at him like that. It's a reminder that all of this is real--that he's allowed Lavi this close, that he encouraged it, that he doesn't want him to pull away. The him from a month ago would think him a fool.
(Maybe he is one. But his foolishness started long before he decided to let Lavi into his heart, so he can't be too mad about it.)]
Shut up. [He doesn't know what else to say..... stupid]
Lavi would laugh and earn himself a SMACK, but he falls still, mesmerized by the pink in Kanda's grouchy expression, something new to add to all that Lavi knows, something that makes his heartbeat drum ever louder. He surges back up and claims Kanda with another kiss, this one more heated and excited, breaking apart only long enough to tug Kanda's shirt up and off, and then his own. The air feels cool against his heated skin, but he's not paying attention to the temperature, only to how Kanda feels against his hands, his mouth, and how it makes Lavi want to unravel him all the more.
And while their position right now is more than comfortable, Lavi tugs Kanda down to the bed, next to him,]
What about you?
[EVEN THOUGH KANDA SAID TO SHUT UP....
But like always, Lavi ignores this demand in favor of pressing kisses against Kanda's cheek, then the spot right below his ear, giving the lobe a teasing nip.]
[Given that Kanda can't see his own face, he has no idea what's sparked Lavi's sudden burst of enthusiasm; his slightly startled noise is swallowed up by Lavi's mouth, but before he has time to sink back into kissing, Lavi's pulling back again to pull their shirts off. He's unused to being overwhelmed, especially like this--if he wasn't so used to Lavi's energy on the whole, he'd probably shove him off on pure, violent instinct.
It's a near thing, but he catches himself in time to let Lavi pull him down. His hair cord is tied too securely to fall out, but getting his shirt off knocked it aside just enough to be a little uncomfortable, so he reaches up to tug it out as Lavi presses into his space again, tactile and chatty as always. THERE ARE TWO WOLVES INSIDE OF KANDA... THE ONE THAT THINKS LAVI IS SO ANNOYING AND THE ONE THAT LIKES HIM ANYWAY!!! Despite it all... or maybe because of it all... thankfully Kanda won't realize he has a type for 20 years, if he ever does,,,
Anyway he does not say "no" even though he probably should just to keep Lavi on his toes. But he's still himself which means he's allergic to answering like a normal person. Instead, he presses his lips together and averts his gaze, which is easy to do when Lavi can't see his expression]
You talk too damn much. [GRUMBLE GROUCH COMPLAIN but listen, he thinks it's obvious that he'd just kick Lavi off the bed if Lavi did anything he didn't like, there's no need to SAY it]
[KANDA JUST SHOVING LAVI OFF THE BED FOR BEING 2FAST2HORNY and perhaps, for being too chatty, if Lavi isn't CAREFUL and doesn't SHUT UP... He takes Kanda's answer as less a warning and more how someone who doesn't know what to say would say, especially with Kanda's temperament. It's cute.... There's one wolf in Lavi and it's the one that's fcking OBSESSED WITH KANDA!!!
It's why he shifts back so he can look at him anew again, gaze tracing the now loose strands of Kanda's hair falling over his face, neck, shoulders. It's technically not the first time Lavi's seen Kanda with his hair down.... but it is in this context, when they're both warm and relaxed and so close together, without being weighed down by an uncertain future. It's why the mischievous tilt of his smile fades a little, the look in his eye turning rueful instead,]
Sorry.
[he DOES talk too much... though he'd never apologize for this terrible character flaw, but maybe there's another reason why he's so chatty... he brushes his hand through Kanda's hair, running his fingers lightly through the now soft hair, the texture so markedly different from the last time Lavi touched him. Like it's driving home just how new this is for the both of them. For Lavi, especially. Lavi's never had a love he'd dedicate his life for, or met anyone as important to him as Kanda is now. He knows nothing about putting someone else first, or of making anyone happy. He's never cared enough to try, until now.
He'd say that all now, and a part of him thinks Kanda would listen like he always does, but it's kind of terrifying to admit that Lavi's completely clueless. That he might be wasting Kanda's time. He lifts his palm, watching Kanda's hair run down his hand, inky black against the scarlet red of the bracelets he's still wearing. It's terrifying, but the words come out anyway,]
...I guess it's cause I'm nervous.
[will this change once Lavi gets really into it and starts being really vocal in bed yes but listen.... for now.... he's eager and passionate and also unsure and shy and afraid of ruining yet another part of Kanda's life,]
[Kanda keeps his eyes fixed on Lavi's face, watching the way Lavi watches him--tracking all the little things, the look in his eye, the shift in his tone. There's a difference, he's learning, between knowing that Lavi's never truly let anyone into his heart, and really knowing it. It's not like Kanda has ever prided himself on knowing all of Lavi's secrets, but it's only now that he's realizing some part of himself must've bought into that sparkling confidence, even though he'd "known better."
In truth, he suspects it's not as much of a lie as Lavi thinks it is--after all, Kanda's the one who's seen him with Allen and the others, the one standing at a far enough distance to see the polish wear off of Lavi's smile. But that and this are very different things. And regardless... the eager Lavi who can't keep his mouth shut, or the uncertain Lavi he's seeing now--in the end, how Lavi acts doesn't matter, as long as it's genuine. That's all Kanda needs, but it's asking everything of Lavi. He knows that.
He sighs, reaching up to take Lavi's wrist and pull his hand back down, closer to his face. He closes his eyes and turns his head, speaking into Lavi's palm.]
Don't be. You can't fuck up any worse than you did when we met. [THANKS KANDA THAT'S SO REASSURING... it's also technically not quite true, because Lavi has a lot more power to hurt him now than he did back when Kanda didn't know or care who he was. But they didn't wind up here for nothing. If Kanda didn't trust that Lavi won't purposely fuck up--if he didn't think Lavi capable of handling his inevitable fuck-ups, of which there are bound to be many--then Lavi would know it.]
[SO REASSURING!!!! it's always helpful to know how low the bar is... though it doesn't assuage Lavi's fears any when he knows that he could go lower. Disappointment is written in human nature. And Lavi's learned not to hold any expectations.
But that's something Kanda knows too, maybe even better than Lavi does. If Lavi can't have the usual assurances from Kanda, then he'll take this instead -- their shared understanding, and their desire to try. And Kanda is trying, more than Lavi thought he ever would. He shouldn't spend this chance he's given being anxious about what might never happen. Kanda can't see his expression, but he can probably hear the warmth returning in Lavi's voice,]
I was trying to annoy you back then.
[his palm feels tingly, and he soothes the itch by brushing it against Kanda's cheek,]
...But now, I just wanna make you happy.
[this time, he doesn't ask what Kanda thinks about that. He tries to gather the answer from his lips instead,]
[It's almost a relief, not having to reply with words--Kanda is certainly no master kisser, but he's always been better at communicating through actions, and this is much the same. It's easier to be gentle if all he has to do is keep a loose grip on Lavi's wrist, to show openness when he can simply part his lips to let Lavi in more easily than before.
Speaking would mean saying something like I don't know if you can, because I don't know if I can, and it matters that you want to try, but I don't know if we can be enough for each other, and I don't know what I'll do if we live long enough to realize we're not, so if you're going to talk, just don't remind me of how hard this is--a thousand vulnerable, complicated sentiments that Kanda wouldn't know how to give voice to, even if he wanted to. It's far, far preferable to turn his focus to the soft warmth of Lavi's lips, the shape of his close presence that Kanda can sense perfectly, even without opening his eyes. He's mostly left the reaching out to Lavi, content to show his approval through permissiveness like he so often does, but now, he uses his grip on Lavi's wrist to tug him a little bit closer, an awkward attempt at assuaging Lavi's worries.
He's not sure if he's capable of happiness. But at least for tonight, he doesn't think he'll regret putting himself in Lavi's hands. And that's close enough, as far as he's concerned.]
[Lavi's thoughts drift away with each brush of lips and tongue, and he lets them go so he can sink further into Kanda, so he can lose himself in the heat building back up between them. The tug is such a small thing, but it sparks shivers through him -- the feel of Kanda's fingers wrapped around his wrist, as if he doesn't want to let Lavi go. He can get lost in that too, in being wanted despite who he is.
His hand slides back onto Kanda's chest, feeling skin but at the same time not nearly enough -- so he pulls his glove off with his other hand, somehow managing this without breaking Kanda's grip on his wrist. But his free hand is now GLOVELESS, and he immediately resumes his journey tracing bare skin, only pausing long enough to work the buckle of Kanda's pants free. He wants to touch, to devour, but his movements are slow even so, because he's entirely at Kanda's mercy, because every motion only exists as long as Kanda wants it too.
And if he does, then Lavi will continue -- pulling down that last barrier of fabric, trailing his fingers down Kanda's length, memorizing the shape of him through touch. It's a good thing Lavi runs warm because imagine just sticking a frosty hand down Kanda's pants..... He'd get punched out..... Luckily for him, he's warm -- so warm, heat flashing through him even though it's Kanda being touched -- and maybe that's the reason why, because even if Lavi can't make him happy in the way normal people who aren't them can be -- then he can at least make him feel good.]
[It's strange, Kanda's finding, how he can simultaneously be so aware of Lavi and his movements, yet so caught off-guard by them at the same time. It must be because they're entirely new motions, and he doesn't know how to predict them--but reasoning it out doesn't help, so he gives up on thinking about it quickly enough. He's a picky, temperamental, competitive person, but for once, he's okay with Lavi having the upper hand. So generous... or is he just making Lavi do all the work... IT'S A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE.
Kanda is all of those things, but he's not a gentle person by nature, so it's a good thing that Lavi pulls himself together, because as soon as his touch starts to wander, Kanda immediately abandons all his efforts to be soft and comforting. His nails dig into Lavi's wrist as Lavi's fingers dip below his waistband--not a protest, but a reflex, as sharp and violent as almost everything else about Kanda.
Case in point: Lavi's touch is so light, but in breaking their kiss to catch his breath, Kanda ducks his head and bangs it against Lavi's,,, OW]
Lavi lets out a pained grunt, because the last thing he expected was Kanda to HEADBUTT HIM, and his hand that was very carefully exploring earlier ends up GRIPPING Kanda HARDER out of SURPRISE!!
he's not sure whether he should do that again to look like he meant it or try to dodge the next headbutt]
Well assuming he didn't grab hard enough to hurt, Kanda doesn't headbutt him again--he just hisses, pressing his face into Lavi's neck, which was what he was trying to do originally. It's just that Lavi's hand is so warm, and Kanda is so terribly unused to all of this, so is it any wonder that his reactions are uncharacteristically graceless...
He doesn't apologize, because of course he doesn't. At least he finally lets go of Lavi's wrist, though it's mostly because it's an awkward angle for his arm. He doesn't apologize for any marks from his nails, either, though it's a toss-up whether he even notices he left them. Lavi's shirt is off, so he can't grab onto that instead--he leaves his hand hovering uncertainly between them for a moment before he settles it on Lavi's waist, just under his ribs. Lavi's in the same body he's always had, and Kanda's touched Lavi's bare skin before, but... that was almost always to treat wounds, or just by chance. It feels different now, when he's paying attention to the heat of him, to the softness of his unmarred skin compared to any traces of scars he might have. Things Kanda never spared a thought to before, but they're all he can focus on now, with all of his senses overtaken by Lavi.]
But it doesn't take Lavi long to realize that the earlier headbutt was out of surprise rather than VIOLENCE, and he also can't deny the fact that he's endeared by this awkward behavior... He just thinks Kanda is so cute..... He thinks he's sooo cute!!! Like the way Kanda ducks his head into the hollow of Lavi's neck, like it's his turn to be flustered and shy. Though nothing about the marks in Lavi's wrist seem like either, stinging in a way that he relishes. There's the pain inflicted during a spar, and then there's this -- little pinpricks of pleasure shivering through him, emanating from where Kanda is touching him in return.
He's not that sensitive to touch, a consequence from accruing so many scars in such a short time, but he can still feel Kanda's hand, and that feeling encourages him to respond in kind, applying more pressure in firm, long strokes. He reaches for Kanda's free hand, pressing it down against the sheets with their fingers intertwined, giving him something else to hold as Lavi keeps up the relentless pace.
Earlier, he'd been determined not to overwhelm. But it's hard to remember that now, with Kanda's cock in his hand and his mouth pressed against Lavi's fast-beating pulse.]
But, well, it's probably close enough as far as Kanda is concerned. He breathes, quick and erratic, into the hollow of Lavi's collarbone, clutching Lavi's hand with a grip that's far too tight to be comfortable. Without thinking, he shifts forward, throwing his leg over Lavi's to make it easier to chase Lavi's strokes, even with just the tiniest jerks of his hips. He's human enough for instincts, it seems--not that any such thoughts are anywhere near his brain right now. All he can think about is how hot he feels from within, for once; how damp Lavi's skin has grown from his panting; how every other ounce of his attention is taken up by Lavi's hand around his cock, by his scent, by Lavi, all Lavi--]
--Lavi. [There's something uncertain in his tone, coupled with an undercurrent of urgency matching the way his fingers dig into Lavi's waist. He doesn't know what he's asking for, what he needs--only that Lavi has it.]
[Lavi immediately shudders, because it's his name that Kanda is calling -- and that he's said it at all sends a shock wave through Lavi, zig-zagging all the way down the length of his spine and further, heightening his arousal. He shouldn't be this viscerally turned on just by this, but he is, because Kanda doesn't say his name lightly, if at all, and it pulls the intimacy of this moment even more tightly around them. He's Lavi, and Lavi is a foolish, hopeful cynic who enjoys putting Kanda off as much as he likes being with him, who likes peeling him apart and keeping him a secret -- who cares about Kanda as a friend, and also as someone more, someone a lot more, someone so much more --
someone who wants only what Lavi can give him.
Lavi keeps up the same pace, the same pressure, like he wants to keep Kanda at that precipice just for a moment longer, just long enough for him to angle his head back so he can see Kanda's face. He's already seen so much of Kanda that no one else has, and he's greedy for more -- he wants this too, he wants to see the lines of his face as Kanda comes apart from his touch, if his mouth falls open or presses shut, if Kanda's eyes meet his or dart away, if he turns the same faint shade of pink in the bright moonlight -- Lavi needs to see, he has to see.
His gaze is completely fixed on Kanda, utterly still, but his hand pumps him harder, faster, speeding up the already frenetic pace so that Lavi can finally give him not only what he needs, but something he might actually desire,]
[He's expecting Lavi to talk, but he doesn't have the attention to spare for surprise when Lavi doesn't. It doesn't really matter anyway--the way Lavi shivers, the way he shifts and moves and adjusts, they're all language too. Kanda doesn't need words to know that Lavi is encouraging him, pulling him further under the waves with the promise that the depths are safe.
He does think, briefly, that Lavi should've just asked him to strip completely if this was what he wanted--his gloves feel like they've melted against his skin, and his legs feel uncomfortably constricted at this angle. But none of that is enough to douse the heat that's built up within him, and Lavi might as well be pouring molten gold into his veins with every stroke of his long fingers.
His stamina in battle can't help him here, but Kanda has no reason to try and hold out. The only thing holding him back is fear--that part of himself that will never die, the part that trusts nothing and no one, the part that waits, endlessly braced for pain and broken promises, clawing and biting at anything tender or kind before it can be used against him. He feels so good, and Lavi is telling him through actions that he can keep this, that he can feel even better, but that seems impossible. Every jolt of pleasure is more terrifying than the last, and he doesn't want to dig his heels in, but Lavi is dragging him closer and closer to a precipice, and how can he possibly trust what waits at the bottom? He doesn't want to hit dark water all over again.
But he's stronger than he used to be. Or rather... more capable of letting himself be weak, at least with this specific person in this specific way. He opens his eyes, tilting his head up to catch Lavi's gaze--searching, in a way, but mostly reaffirming. And just as he'd thought, the look on Lavi's face instantly assuages his worries. There's no mistaking that hunger, more intense than Kanda's ever seen it--so much so that it's his turn to shake, overwhelmed, trusting enough to let himself be overwhelmed.
Of course Lavi will catch him when he falls. Lavi wants far too much of him not to. Later, he'll look back on this and know that there was never any reason for doubt or fear--but right now, that greed feels far more reliable than Lavi's love.
It's enough, in any case. Kanda doesn't consciously decide this--he just meets Lavi's gaze, and inhales sharply, and knows, instinctively, that he's done for. He curses once before he presses up, urgently mashing his mouth against Lavi's--not so much a kiss as an attempt to muffle the soft, high noises that escape him. He squeezes his eyes shut as he comes, blindly dragging Lavi closer, until there's barely enough space for Lavi's hand between them. Maybe greed is contagious, because it's not enough--every place they aren't touching feels like ice compared to the rush of heat throughout him, but he can't stop himself from chasing every last ounce of pleasure to be found in Lavi's touch, not even to kiss Lavi properly or to mold their bodies together completely. Even when it starts to hurt, he doesn't stop--Lavi will have to be the one to ease back first.]
[Lavi pulls back, but Kanda surges up to meet him, and any protests vanish in the hot, wet heat of Kanda's mouth and tongue, because Lavi can still see with all his other senses. He can see the pivotal moment run through Kanda like a live wire, and he adds a muffled groan of his own, exulting in the knowledge of it, like a historian would at something new, like a clumsy, eager lover would at the crest of his partner's pleasure.
It's tempting the way Kanda keeps moving underneath his hand -- and Lavi has just enough of that clumsy eagerness in him to think about keeping this up, to fall mesmerized by the desperate thrust of Kanda's hips... but no, a streak of rationale convinces him otherwise -- that and his pants are really unbearably tight, reminding him that whatever else he tries to draw Kanda into next, he should get to taking off the rest of their clothes? It's a wonderfully pleasant idea for later, but in the meantime -- his hand finally draws back as Lavi kisses Kanda back, properly, and then shifts his attention to his cheek, neck and as much collarbone as he can reach.
There's so much he wants to say because Lavi can never shut up, but he contents himself (FOR NOW) with humming soft, pleased noises as he nips the hollow of Kanda's throat, enjoying the salty taste of his skin, shining with exertion. He's perfectly happy to stay pressed against Kanda like this for however long Kanda wants him to, despite the heat. It really is getting so hot... Lavi will move... later.... for now he just wants to kiss and cuddle and wait for Kanda to catch his breath,]
[Well that's all well and good and Kanda will definitely take advantage of his patience to gradually come down from his high, savoring the warm affection of Lavi's hands and mouth even more than the remnants of ecstasy within him, but as soon as he's got some clarity back he just
shoves Lavi rudely
Imagine if I said ONTO THE FLOOR no just onto his back. He finally lifts his head again as he does, and his gaze is as direct and intense as always as he looks at Lavi, though he is, of course, oblivious to the fact that his eyes are much darker than they usually are. Even if he knew, he wouldn't care; he's busy finally peeling his own gloves off, tossing them carelessly to the side. If Lavi tries to sit up while he's doing that he'll just shove him back down again because he is the worst]
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This Kanda doesn't have the patience for that. He watches Lavi put the headband aside, but he's more interested in the expression on Lavi's face, the playfulness he knows so well and the shyness that's new and, somehow, endearing. Maybe he should be surprised by it, but... he knows what it's like, trying to figure out "who" you are, when all you've ever been is a "what."
He can tell they're not talking about disguises anymore. But he doesn't need Lavi to mold himself into something new, even in these little, relatively harmless ways. He will not be the glass that holds Lavi's formless shape. But he doesn't know how to tell Lavi that he's already everything Kanda wants, and this is still too fragile for him to say those words exactly.
Instead, he does what he does best, and cuts through to the heart of it all. He doesn't move to meet Lavi halfway, because he's spoiled by Lavi's desire, even if he doesn't realize it. Instead, he reaches out and puts his free hand on Lavi's face, drawing him forward until there's almost no space between them. He rests his lips against Lavi's brow, where the headband was a minute ago--he doesn't plant a kiss there, but his mouth brushes against Lavi's skin with each word he speaks.]
Are you going to keep wasting time, or are you going to say what you want?
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This is what he wanted, this is what he still wants. He hums his answer back, tilting his head so he can press his mouth against the line of Kanda's jaw, indulging in the nearness and physicality of him -- of the warmth he can feel emanating from his cool skin, of knowing that he's only this close because Kanda is letting him. If he's feeling woozy, then it must be because it's going straight to his head, to his erratic heartbeat,]
You.
[he breathes out, the word sounding so much like Kanda's name, both perfect for this occasion. Yuu. I want Yuu. He brushes his lips against Kanda's cheek, the corner of his mouth, and then he's kissing him, as gentle as the first time, coaxing and hopeful. Nothing like how they usually are, but Lavi likes this as much as he likes the roughhousing. Rarely does he have the opportunity to touch Kanda like this -- in a way he hopes the other man will like. He slides his other hand on Kanda's hip, tracing the fabric of his shirt, thumb tucked under the hem and pressing against bare skin,]
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But this is different. He'd known what Lavi was asking for when he agreed to come back here, so there's no surprise when he feels Lavi's hand on him, no leaning away when Lavi moves closer. He denied Lavi a full kiss on the hill, but he indulges him now, his hand falling to rest on Lavi's shoulder and around the back of his neck, brushing through the short hairs curling over his fingers. He's not good at being patient or gentle, but Lavi is, and Kanda doesn't mind following his lead like this, at least for a little while.
He lets Lavi kiss him more than he really tries to kiss back, but it's not out of disinterest. It's just easier to focus on relaxing, this way--when all he has to think about is keeping his mouth pliant and following the gentle cues of Lavi's touch, because Lavi is willing to do the rest. Accommodating him, reaching out far, far more than halfway, just like he always does. Kanda doesn't know why Lavi thinks he, of all people, is worth breaking the rules for, but... luckily for both of them, he's not the type to ask those kinds of questions. All that matters is that they're here, together, and something like safe.]
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He licks at the seam of Kanda's lips, encouraging them to part for him, enjoying how relaxed Kanda feels because he rarely ever is, even with Lavi. He wants to deepen the kiss, and see how else Kanda feels about it, and what he'll do in return.
Kanda's back is still pressed against the wall, so Lavi shifts his hand over the plane of his stomach, feeling the muscle there. He's seen Kanda topless so many times that he can picture it with clarity, and he lets the image guide his hand -- pressing in as he deepens the kiss between them. Maybe this counts as pushing his luck, but it's his tried and true method of learning when it comes to Kanda, testing his reactions, figuring him out.
In this case, it's all to feel what Kanda likes, to learn more of his quirks, and also put up a hopefully convincing argument for why kissing is great and why they should do this all the time?]
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As for the rest, naturally, his creators didn't care. Why would they? It didn't matter to them whether he could feel good, so long as he didn't feel bad enough to break down. If Kanda were ever to think about it, he'd guess they never thought he'd survive long enough for such a question to arise in the first place. He was always meant to be a weapon, after all.
But for better or for worse, he is human. Or at least--human enough for his skin to jump under Lavi's warm fingertips, stomach tight with tension he doesn't know how to let go of. Lavi wants to know what he likes, but Kanda wouldn't know what to tell him if he asked out loud, so for once, he's glad for Lavi's willingness to test his boundaries. There's probably something poetic about Lavi being the one to weave pleasure into the spells written into his core, but Kanda can't be bothered to think of it when he can focus on Lavi's mouth instead.
He parts his lips to let Lavi in, though he pulls back a second later, drawing in a shallow breath before he leans forward to try again. He's not sure how he feels about being so passive, but he's pretty sure Lavi won't risk destroying his chances of ever doing this again, so he's not worried about any annoying comments. Instead, he lets the soft heat of Lavi's mouth chase away his lingering thoughts, shivering at the little sparks that seem to dance through him, from his lips all the way to Lavi's hand. He lifts his other hand and grasps at Lavi's shirt almost on instinct--something he's done a thousand times for violent reasons, but this time, instead of throwing him off, he tugs Lavi closer.]
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Still, there's a flicker of surprise when Kanda yanks him closer instead of throwing him off, and then a curl of pleasure at the realization that Kanda wants more contact, not less. He must be doing something right then, because as much as he might have more experience, it's really only barely a handful. There's kissing and there's this, there's curiosity and there's the desire to explore it with only one person. He wants to know what Kanda likes and through him, know what he likes too. Maybe he can be more of a person when he does, a person Kanda will still accept.
He gives one more teasing sweep of his tongue, before it's his turn to pull back, mindful of the fact that they both need air. Instead, he runs his mouth down the line of Kanda's neck instead, gently kissing the skin there, pressing his lips against his pulse. He wants to feel it race, just like his own heart, which gives him a better idea -- which is to tug Kanda's shirt up until his chest is laid bare, so Lavi can kiss the space over his heart instead, and feel him that way.
A Bookman has no need for a heart, but it turns out that Lavi does. He needs the one Kanda has, and he needs his own to make that obvious.]
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Maybe if his body didn't repair itself so completely, his nerves would be long dead. And it's not that he's sensitive now, exactly--he doesn't feel ticklish or overstimulated, even as Lavi pushes his shirt up and kisses his way down, past the cracked edges of his seal and over to where his core sits in his chest. But he certainly feels, and he's hyperaware of it in the same way he's ever-conscious of danger. He's not used to directing this sort of intensity at another person for any reason besides hatred or anger, and he feels restless with it. But he has no idea what to do about that, and he doesn't want to ask--doesn't want to interrupt Lavi and break the thick, warm atmosphere that's settled in between them.
But he's not good at doing nothing, either, so that restlessness bleeds out of him in little ways. He loosens his grip on Lavi's shirt, then tightens it again. He moves his other hand further up, brushing through Lavi's hair. He doesn't speak, but he breathes deeply, and his chest rises with it, as if he's making up for not knowing how to reach out to Lavi in return. He should probably be taking this opportunity to touch Lavi as well, but he's so focused on what Lavi is doing that it doesn't even occur to him to try.]
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It's such a simple motion, but it's working him up as much as their earlier kisses did..... horny........... or affectionate........ or both......
And maybe Lavi's something of a cat too, because he rests his chin on Kanda's chest, peering up at him to take in his expression, wondering if it matches the one on Lavi's face, all warmth and lazy contentment. he presses against Kanda's hand,]
Feels nice...
[(kanda voice) well yeah obviously. his hand is still curled in the hem of Kanda's shirt, the other splayed flat against Kanda's chest, his tattoo peeking out from between Lavi's fingers,]
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Luckily for Lavi's flustered bottom tendencies, he's definitely not there yet. It is, perhaps, impossible for Kanda to look like a flustered bottom himself, but there is, at least, a faint dusting of pink across his face, barely visible in the last light of sunset but present nonetheless. That's Lavi's reward for his efforts.
He doesn't seem to realize he's been staring at Lavi until Lavi looks up at him and speaks; he blinks a few times before his expression twists into something half-heartedly grouchy. He's not shy, but it's still a little bit overwhelming to have Lavi looking at him like that. It's a reminder that all of this is real--that he's allowed Lavi this close, that he encouraged it, that he doesn't want him to pull away. The him from a month ago would think him a fool.
(Maybe he is one. But his foolishness started long before he decided to let Lavi into his heart, so he can't be too mad about it.)]
Shut up. [He doesn't know what else to say..... stupid]
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Lavi would laugh and earn himself a SMACK, but he falls still, mesmerized by the pink in Kanda's grouchy expression, something new to add to all that Lavi knows, something that makes his heartbeat drum ever louder. He surges back up and claims Kanda with another kiss, this one more heated and excited, breaking apart only long enough to tug Kanda's shirt up and off, and then his own. The air feels cool against his heated skin, but he's not paying attention to the temperature, only to how Kanda feels against his hands, his mouth, and how it makes Lavi want to unravel him all the more.
And while their position right now is more than comfortable, Lavi tugs Kanda down to the bed, next to him,]
What about you?
[EVEN THOUGH KANDA SAID TO SHUT UP....
But like always, Lavi ignores this demand in favor of pressing kisses against Kanda's cheek, then the spot right below his ear, giving the lobe a teasing nip.]
Does this feel nice?
[(kanda voice) no]
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It's a near thing, but he catches himself in time to let Lavi pull him down. His hair cord is tied too securely to fall out, but getting his shirt off knocked it aside just enough to be a little uncomfortable, so he reaches up to tug it out as Lavi presses into his space again, tactile and chatty as always. THERE ARE TWO WOLVES INSIDE OF KANDA... THE ONE THAT THINKS LAVI IS SO ANNOYING AND THE ONE THAT LIKES HIM ANYWAY!!! Despite it all... or maybe because of it all... thankfully Kanda won't realize he has a type for 20 years, if he ever does,,,
Anyway he does not say "no" even though he probably should just to keep Lavi on his toes. But he's still himself which means he's allergic to answering like a normal person. Instead, he presses his lips together and averts his gaze, which is easy to do when Lavi can't see his expression]
You talk too damn much. [GRUMBLE GROUCH COMPLAIN but listen, he thinks it's obvious that he'd just kick Lavi off the bed if Lavi did anything he didn't like, there's no need to SAY it]
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It's why he shifts back so he can look at him anew again, gaze tracing the now loose strands of Kanda's hair falling over his face, neck, shoulders. It's technically not the first time Lavi's seen Kanda with his hair down.... but it is in this context, when they're both warm and relaxed and so close together, without being weighed down by an uncertain future. It's why the mischievous tilt of his smile fades a little, the look in his eye turning rueful instead,]
Sorry.
[he DOES talk too much... though he'd never apologize for this terrible character flaw, but maybe there's another reason why he's so chatty... he brushes his hand through Kanda's hair, running his fingers lightly through the now soft hair, the texture so markedly different from the last time Lavi touched him. Like it's driving home just how new this is for the both of them. For Lavi, especially. Lavi's never had a love he'd dedicate his life for, or met anyone as important to him as Kanda is now. He knows nothing about putting someone else first, or of making anyone happy. He's never cared enough to try, until now.
He'd say that all now, and a part of him thinks Kanda would listen like he always does, but it's kind of terrifying to admit that Lavi's completely clueless. That he might be wasting Kanda's time. He lifts his palm, watching Kanda's hair run down his hand, inky black against the scarlet red of the bracelets he's still wearing. It's terrifying, but the words come out anyway,]
...I guess it's cause I'm nervous.
[will this change once Lavi gets really into it and starts being really vocal in bed yes but listen.... for now.... he's eager and passionate and also unsure and shy and afraid of ruining yet another part of Kanda's life,]
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In truth, he suspects it's not as much of a lie as Lavi thinks it is--after all, Kanda's the one who's seen him with Allen and the others, the one standing at a far enough distance to see the polish wear off of Lavi's smile. But that and this are very different things. And regardless... the eager Lavi who can't keep his mouth shut, or the uncertain Lavi he's seeing now--in the end, how Lavi acts doesn't matter, as long as it's genuine. That's all Kanda needs, but it's asking everything of Lavi. He knows that.
He sighs, reaching up to take Lavi's wrist and pull his hand back down, closer to his face. He closes his eyes and turns his head, speaking into Lavi's palm.]
Don't be. You can't fuck up any worse than you did when we met. [THANKS KANDA THAT'S SO REASSURING... it's also technically not quite true, because Lavi has a lot more power to hurt him now than he did back when Kanda didn't know or care who he was. But they didn't wind up here for nothing. If Kanda didn't trust that Lavi won't purposely fuck up--if he didn't think Lavi capable of handling his inevitable fuck-ups, of which there are bound to be many--then Lavi would know it.]
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But that's something Kanda knows too, maybe even better than Lavi does. If Lavi can't have the usual assurances from Kanda, then he'll take this instead -- their shared understanding, and their desire to try. And Kanda is trying, more than Lavi thought he ever would. He shouldn't spend this chance he's given being anxious about what might never happen. Kanda can't see his expression, but he can probably hear the warmth returning in Lavi's voice,]
I was trying to annoy you back then.
[his palm feels tingly, and he soothes the itch by brushing it against Kanda's cheek,]
...But now, I just wanna make you happy.
[this time, he doesn't ask what Kanda thinks about that. He tries to gather the answer from his lips instead,]
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Speaking would mean saying something like I don't know if you can, because I don't know if I can, and it matters that you want to try, but I don't know if we can be enough for each other, and I don't know what I'll do if we live long enough to realize we're not, so if you're going to talk, just don't remind me of how hard this is--a thousand vulnerable, complicated sentiments that Kanda wouldn't know how to give voice to, even if he wanted to. It's far, far preferable to turn his focus to the soft warmth of Lavi's lips, the shape of his close presence that Kanda can sense perfectly, even without opening his eyes. He's mostly left the reaching out to Lavi, content to show his approval through permissiveness like he so often does, but now, he uses his grip on Lavi's wrist to tug him a little bit closer, an awkward attempt at assuaging Lavi's worries.
He's not sure if he's capable of happiness. But at least for tonight, he doesn't think he'll regret putting himself in Lavi's hands. And that's close enough, as far as he's concerned.]
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His hand slides back onto Kanda's chest, feeling skin but at the same time not nearly enough -- so he pulls his glove off with his other hand, somehow managing this without breaking Kanda's grip on his wrist. But his free hand is now GLOVELESS, and he immediately resumes his journey tracing bare skin, only pausing long enough to work the buckle of Kanda's pants free. He wants to touch, to devour, but his movements are slow even so, because he's entirely at Kanda's mercy, because every motion only exists as long as Kanda wants it too.
And if he does, then Lavi will continue -- pulling down that last barrier of fabric, trailing his fingers down Kanda's length, memorizing the shape of him through touch. It's a good thing Lavi runs warm because imagine just sticking a frosty hand down Kanda's pants..... He'd get punched out..... Luckily for him, he's warm -- so warm, heat flashing through him even though it's Kanda being touched -- and maybe that's the reason why, because even if Lavi can't make him happy in the way normal people who aren't them can be -- then he can at least make him feel good.]
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Kanda is all of those things, but he's not a gentle person by nature, so it's a good thing that Lavi pulls himself together, because as soon as his touch starts to wander, Kanda immediately abandons all his efforts to be soft and comforting. His nails dig into Lavi's wrist as Lavi's fingers dip below his waistband--not a protest, but a reflex, as sharp and violent as almost everything else about Kanda.
Case in point: Lavi's touch is so light, but in breaking their kiss to catch his breath, Kanda ducks his head and bangs it against Lavi's,,, OW]
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Lavi lets out a pained grunt, because the last thing he expected was Kanda to HEADBUTT HIM, and his hand that was very carefully exploring earlier ends up GRIPPING Kanda HARDER out of SURPRISE!!
he's not sure whether he should do that again to look like he meant it or try to dodge the next headbutt]
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Well assuming he didn't grab hard enough to hurt, Kanda doesn't headbutt him again--he just hisses, pressing his face into Lavi's neck, which was what he was trying to do originally. It's just that Lavi's hand is so warm, and Kanda is so terribly unused to all of this, so is it any wonder that his reactions are uncharacteristically graceless...
He doesn't apologize, because of course he doesn't. At least he finally lets go of Lavi's wrist, though it's mostly because it's an awkward angle for his arm. He doesn't apologize for any marks from his nails, either, though it's a toss-up whether he even notices he left them. Lavi's shirt is off, so he can't grab onto that instead--he leaves his hand hovering uncertainly between them for a moment before he settles it on Lavi's waist, just under his ribs. Lavi's in the same body he's always had, and Kanda's touched Lavi's bare skin before, but... that was almost always to treat wounds, or just by chance. It feels different now, when he's paying attention to the heat of him, to the softness of his unmarred skin compared to any traces of scars he might have. Things Kanda never spared a thought to before, but they're all he can focus on now, with all of his senses overtaken by Lavi.]
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But it doesn't take Lavi long to realize that the earlier headbutt was out of surprise rather than VIOLENCE, and he also can't deny the fact that he's endeared by this awkward behavior... He just thinks Kanda is so cute..... He thinks he's sooo cute!!! Like the way Kanda ducks his head into the hollow of Lavi's neck, like it's his turn to be flustered and shy. Though nothing about the marks in Lavi's wrist seem like either, stinging in a way that he relishes. There's the pain inflicted during a spar, and then there's this -- little pinpricks of pleasure shivering through him, emanating from where Kanda is touching him in return.
He's not that sensitive to touch, a consequence from accruing so many scars in such a short time, but he can still feel Kanda's hand, and that feeling encourages him to respond in kind, applying more pressure in firm, long strokes. He reaches for Kanda's free hand, pressing it down against the sheets with their fingers intertwined, giving him something else to hold as Lavi keeps up the relentless pace.
Earlier, he'd been determined not to overwhelm. But it's hard to remember that now, with Kanda's cock in his hand and his mouth pressed against Lavi's fast-beating pulse.]
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But, well, it's probably close enough as far as Kanda is concerned. He breathes, quick and erratic, into the hollow of Lavi's collarbone, clutching Lavi's hand with a grip that's far too tight to be comfortable. Without thinking, he shifts forward, throwing his leg over Lavi's to make it easier to chase Lavi's strokes, even with just the tiniest jerks of his hips. He's human enough for instincts, it seems--not that any such thoughts are anywhere near his brain right now. All he can think about is how hot he feels from within, for once; how damp Lavi's skin has grown from his panting; how every other ounce of his attention is taken up by Lavi's hand around his cock, by his scent, by Lavi, all Lavi--]
--Lavi. [There's something uncertain in his tone, coupled with an undercurrent of urgency matching the way his fingers dig into Lavi's waist. He doesn't know what he's asking for, what he needs--only that Lavi has it.]
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someone who wants only what Lavi can give him.
Lavi keeps up the same pace, the same pressure, like he wants to keep Kanda at that precipice just for a moment longer, just long enough for him to angle his head back so he can see Kanda's face. He's already seen so much of Kanda that no one else has, and he's greedy for more -- he wants this too, he wants to see the lines of his face as Kanda comes apart from his touch, if his mouth falls open or presses shut, if Kanda's eyes meet his or dart away, if he turns the same faint shade of pink in the bright moonlight -- Lavi needs to see, he has to see.
His gaze is completely fixed on Kanda, utterly still, but his hand pumps him harder, faster, speeding up the already frenetic pace so that Lavi can finally give him not only what he needs, but something he might actually desire,]
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He does think, briefly, that Lavi should've just asked him to strip completely if this was what he wanted--his gloves feel like they've melted against his skin, and his legs feel uncomfortably constricted at this angle. But none of that is enough to douse the heat that's built up within him, and Lavi might as well be pouring molten gold into his veins with every stroke of his long fingers.
His stamina in battle can't help him here, but Kanda has no reason to try and hold out. The only thing holding him back is fear--that part of himself that will never die, the part that trusts nothing and no one, the part that waits, endlessly braced for pain and broken promises, clawing and biting at anything tender or kind before it can be used against him. He feels so good, and Lavi is telling him through actions that he can keep this, that he can feel even better, but that seems impossible. Every jolt of pleasure is more terrifying than the last, and he doesn't want to dig his heels in, but Lavi is dragging him closer and closer to a precipice, and how can he possibly trust what waits at the bottom? He doesn't want to hit dark water all over again.
But he's stronger than he used to be. Or rather... more capable of letting himself be weak, at least with this specific person in this specific way. He opens his eyes, tilting his head up to catch Lavi's gaze--searching, in a way, but mostly reaffirming. And just as he'd thought, the look on Lavi's face instantly assuages his worries. There's no mistaking that hunger, more intense than Kanda's ever seen it--so much so that it's his turn to shake, overwhelmed, trusting enough to let himself be overwhelmed.
Of course Lavi will catch him when he falls. Lavi wants far too much of him not to. Later, he'll look back on this and know that there was never any reason for doubt or fear--but right now, that greed feels far more reliable than Lavi's love.
It's enough, in any case. Kanda doesn't consciously decide this--he just meets Lavi's gaze, and inhales sharply, and knows, instinctively, that he's done for. He curses once before he presses up, urgently mashing his mouth against Lavi's--not so much a kiss as an attempt to muffle the soft, high noises that escape him. He squeezes his eyes shut as he comes, blindly dragging Lavi closer, until there's barely enough space for Lavi's hand between them. Maybe greed is contagious, because it's not enough--every place they aren't touching feels like ice compared to the rush of heat throughout him, but he can't stop himself from chasing every last ounce of pleasure to be found in Lavi's touch, not even to kiss Lavi properly or to mold their bodies together completely. Even when it starts to hurt, he doesn't stop--Lavi will have to be the one to ease back first.]
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It's tempting the way Kanda keeps moving underneath his hand -- and Lavi has just enough of that clumsy eagerness in him to think about keeping this up, to fall mesmerized by the desperate thrust of Kanda's hips... but no, a streak of rationale convinces him otherwise -- that and his pants are really unbearably tight, reminding him that whatever else he tries to draw Kanda into next, he should get to taking off the rest of their clothes? It's a wonderfully pleasant idea for later, but in the meantime -- his hand finally draws back as Lavi kisses Kanda back, properly, and then shifts his attention to his cheek, neck and as much collarbone as he can reach.
There's so much he wants to say because Lavi can never shut up, but he contents himself (FOR NOW) with humming soft, pleased noises as he nips the hollow of Kanda's throat, enjoying the salty taste of his skin, shining with exertion. He's perfectly happy to stay pressed against Kanda like this for however long Kanda wants him to, despite the heat. It really is getting so hot... Lavi will move... later.... for now he just wants to kiss and cuddle and wait for Kanda to catch his breath,]
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shoves Lavi rudely
Imagine if I said ONTO THE FLOOR no just onto his back. He finally lifts his head again as he does, and his gaze is as direct and intense as always as he looks at Lavi, though he is, of course, oblivious to the fact that his eyes are much darker than they usually are. Even if he knew, he wouldn't care; he's busy finally peeling his own gloves off, tossing them carelessly to the side. If Lavi tries to sit up while he's doing that he'll just shove him back down again because he is the worst]
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the way my paid ran out but I still have my cat icons
LSDMFLFDS AND UR HAPPY KANDA ICON time to switch for every tag
THAT'S HORRIFYING
banging makes kanda happy......
YEAH BUT HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THAT ABOUT IT
he could.... (pleading)
STOP LAVI WOULD BE SO SCARED
LSDMFDSL (lavi voice) BANGING CHANGED KANDA.....
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renews my paid and realizes 90% of these icons are angry anyway THIS WAS POINTLESS
SKDLFFDS STOP KANDA'S BEAUTIFUL FAAAACE
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the way I got confused bc I was logged in as kaveh... locked out of my own post
U BANNED URSELF ig kaveh and lavi know each other in the superhell mg universe
THEY REALLY DO unless scara destroyed sumeru and kaveh is dead
STOP I WILL SAVE KAVEH
LMFKJHDG he's just stuck in the roller coaster dimension forever
NOOOOO
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