[Wouldn't it be funny if I made an Akuma appear right now and violently changed the mood of this entire thread
But no, that doesn't happen. Kanda's ready for it, of course, especially as they rejoin the townspeople, but the only chaos comes from people around them enjoying the festivities. Lavi's been a permanent spot in his awareness for ages, so Kanda doesn't have to watch him too closely to keep track of him as they head back; it leaves him free to glance back towards the Knotting booth, which has a long line now that the crowd has grown. He watches the couple at the front laughing as they struggle to size their bracelets properly, and thinks of the cords on Lavi's wrists, how Lavi had gone out of his way to claim Kanda's failed attempts too. Of the cord around his own wrist, and the one he hasn't stopped using in his hair. He thinks about the burst of happiness he'd felt from Lavi in the salon, when he noticed, and how content he looked earlier when he'd admired their matching knots: so many moments to file away in his deceptively good memory. Little things that, Kanda suspects, Lavi doesn't even realize he notices.
He doesn't reach out to hold Lavi's hand on the way back. But it's kind of tempting, which is a lot for him.
The way Kanda actually also has a scarf BUT I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT IT I guess he left it behind. Once they're in the room, he finally puts Mugen down; he's the closest thing the Order has to a constantly vigilant exorcist robot, but he is still human enough that even he can't keep his guard permanently up. He and Lavi are on the same page--as far as he can tell, this is the closest thing to safety they'll get, so they might as well relax (kind of) while they can.]
Yeah. [He didn't bother brushing the dirt and grass off of his outside coat, but whatever, it's fine. He shrugs it off, handing it over.] I didn't see anyone from the Order around.
[No exorcists isn't unusual, but he hadn't noticed any Finders either, which means there's a good chance this town isn't on anyone's radar. There's no guarantee that it's clear, of course, but it at least means that the chances of a sudden crisis are as low as they get.]
Lavi hangs Kanda's coat up with his, then he sits on the edge of their only (flushed) bed, bending down to take off his boots and whatever the FCK kind of leggings he wears over his uniform pants, then straightening up to unbutton his Exorcist jacket,]
We'll have to be more careful when we get to the city.
[keep a look out not only for finders, but for Order supporters too. all it would take is one priest to recognize them... and they're both already so distinctive, though Lavi has also mastered the art of blending in with a crowd... but it's easier to hide when people don't know who you are, harder when people have an idea to look out for.
he glances over at Kanda, lingering on his straight, dark hair, his elegant features arranged in pristine symmetry, the bow of his lip. Even the distant observer in him would find it hard to look away from Kanda -- so much of the other man seizes attention. And now when nothing about Lavi is distant, all he can do is stare, helplessly drawn. He wouldn't change a thing about him. He doesn't want to. ]
Maybe I should dye my hair... [he's done it before, changed parts of him so he'd look unrecognizable -- so it's half serious and half not at all, as Lavi runs a hand through his hair and blinks over at Kanda,] Whaddya think?
[We force hei and spoon to thread out domain expansion-ing the earl]
Mm. [At least until they find Allen and Johnny and figure out what the hell they're doing... what a pain. But Kanda knew what he was signing up for when he busted Johnny out of that train, so eh. It's fine.
Unlike Lavi his clothes are NORMAL!! So he takes his exorcist coat off and drapes it over a chair, easy to grab in case they do need to run out quickly. He takes his boots off too while he's at it, and if he notices Lavi staring, he doesn't show it. He just moves to join Lavi on the bed, scooting back to lean against the wall and stretching his legs out. His hair is still up and his gloves are still on for now, because he's lazy, but he's more relaxed here, like this, than he ever was back in town.
LAVI CAN FISH FOR COMPLIMENTS ALL HE WANTS BUT KANDA'S JUST THINKING ABOUT BLAVI NOW]
You complained so much when your hair changed last time...
Lavi pouts, a note of mock indignation in his voice, as he stops fluffing up his stupid hair and hangs his jacket on one of the bed posts. Once that's done, he scoots closer to Kanda, reaching for his hand.]
That's cause I didn't change it! I didn't even get to pick the color.
[SOMEONE ELSE DID THAT TO HIM.... anyway FORGET BLAVI he's much more interested in twining his fingers with Kanda's, taking advantage of the somewhat safe space they're in to finally hold his hand. He runs his thumb along Kanda's fingers, tracing the edge of the glove back and forth,]
[HOW CAN HE FORGET BLAVI WHEN LAVI PITCHED SUCH A FIT!!!
He lets Lavi take his hand, though--and the urge from earlier is still there, so he curls his fingers loosely. Holding Lavi's hand properly, for once, instead of just letting Lavi hold his.
Peers at his hair, trying to picture it dark... instead he gets a weird vision of Lavi with white hair for some reason (no)
But it's difficult to imagine? He's not sure how he feels about it.]
You'd still stand out. [Granted he's a little biased because he pays attention to Lavi more than most people do, but--] The eyepatch would give you away.
[If he's thinking in terms of questions the Order would ask to find them, that is]
It takes a moment for Lavi to reply, distracted by how his heart skips a beat when Kanda holds his hand back. It's the slightest of movements, but it feels momentous... Everything about this -- what they have -- feels the same. He wonders if he'll ever reach a point when he won't marvel over every gesture and look, every affirmation that Kanda feels the same way he does.
Lavi tugs down his headband with his other hand, rearranging his hair so his bangs flop over his eyepatch, hiding it from view.]
What about now?
[This would be more effective if one of the ties wasn't VISIBLE on his face, because at some point he swapped from his previous patch to one that has FOUR strings. way to go lavi,]
[ASSIGNED CRIMINAL...... he cannot believe this, he combs his hair for 4 hrs every morning to get it to fall like this? unless this is Kanda hinting at roleplaying.....
Lavi pushes his swoopy stupid bangs out of the way, even though his eyesight remains hindered as usual, and tugs his headband up and then back down,]
Does that mean you like it on or off?
[speaking of OFF... he can think of other things that can be OFF....]
Kanda's first instinct is to say "what does my opinion have to do with anything" and "I don't care," because it's mostly true? The most he's thought about Lavi's headband is when he yanks on it, usually when Lavi's purposely pestering him. But he watches Lavi mess with it, and he suspects that those replies would exasperate Lavi--and more importantly, they'd tempt him into being an annoying ham, which would inevitably lead to Kanda flipping him onto the floor or something. All of that is fine and normal, but he kind of doesn't feel like devolving into roughhousing right now. We had a good date Lavi insisted earlier, and he was right. It's been a nice evening, and Kanda isn't in the mood to let go of his hand so quickly.]
It's fine the way it normally is. [Because he is unhelpful above all... but he studies Lavi after that, mulling it over, trying to figure out if he has any preference at all. His eyes move over Lavi's face, searching--and though he doesn't really care what anyone else thinks or feels, he does wonder, very briefly, what the other people attracted to Lavi saw when they looked at him. Did they care about his looks at all, beyond wondering about the eyepatch? They were probably drawn in by his smile, but did any of them notice his headband, or his earrings, or the other little things Lavi likes to wear?
For Kanda--with it up, he sees the Lavi he knows so well. Energetic and annoying as a form of masterful deflection, but reliable when it matters. Someone Kanda trusts to watch his back, a man strong enough to shoulder the burdens they have no choice but to bear. With it down, he sees a dropped facade. A face without that bright grin, an eye without its playful sparkle. Sometimes bitter and cynical, but sometimes just... calm and still. Tired, but trusting, the sort of man who dozes off on his shoulder, who asks hard things of him because he knows Kanda will listen.
But Kanda likes both of those images? They're both sides of Lavi that he cares about. That's not helpful. Hmm...
Technically Lavi had his headband on earlier, but when Kanda pictures him all flustered and red, his mental image has no headband. So, decisively--] Leave it down.
Lavi unfortunately no longer has the ability to hear Kanda's gay thoughts, but he can still discern them in the way only he can, the way he's used to. It's why he doesn't interrupt that brief moment of silence with his usual chatter, merely waiting for the answer he knows Kanda will give and also, enjoying the way Kanda is studying him. Even so, his matter-of-fact answer surprises him, that Kanda has a preference when he normally wouldn't care.
Lavi's not wearing his headband, in fact he pulls it completely off at Kanda's answer, but there's that playful look in his eye anyway. Playful, and maybe a little shy -- in a way uncharacteristic of either 'Lavi', and yet something that's solely him too, in these private spaces he's only ever shared with Kanda. He could pretend at confidence like he's used to, if he didn't know that Kanda would see through that too.
And besides, he's already taken the headband off -- it's a little too late to slip the mask back on, because that's what it is -- the headband, the scarf, the earrings -- all vital pieces of the forty-ninth. Like how Bookman lines his eyes every morning -- a suit of armor to protect their hearts against the world. Lavi should feel naked without it, unraveled.
He shifts closer, one hand in Kanda's and the other pressed flat over the sheets. He should feel like what he really is, nothing and no one. And yet, all he feels is the air, heavy with anticipation, and Kanda's hand, warm in his. If he's truly nothing, then he wouldn't feel anything at all. The fact should devastate him, the knowledge that he's no longer the Bookman ideal, and maybe never was. But if this is devastation -- the warmth in his chest, growing brighter and hotter at every touch and moment spent -- then maybe he wants to be ruined.
Kanda's face is only a brief distance away, the span of a heartbeat,]
[In another life, maybe Kanda would've been the sort of person to flirt and tease, to play a leisurely game with the pieces that make up "Lavi," until the picture of him was spread out between them, ready to be taken apart and remade over and over at Kanda's will. Once, he'd thought he could be the sort of person who smiled and laughed in the darkness, too. And maybe, in some other timeline, he's pressing that smile into Lavi's neck and telling him he cares about the color of his scarf or the style of his earrings, regardless of whether or not it's true.
This Kanda doesn't have the patience for that. He watches Lavi put the headband aside, but he's more interested in the expression on Lavi's face, the playfulness he knows so well and the shyness that's new and, somehow, endearing. Maybe he should be surprised by it, but... he knows what it's like, trying to figure out "who" you are, when all you've ever been is a "what."
He can tell they're not talking about disguises anymore. But he doesn't need Lavi to mold himself into something new, even in these little, relatively harmless ways. He will not be the glass that holds Lavi's formless shape. But he doesn't know how to tell Lavi that he's already everything Kanda wants, and this is still too fragile for him to say those words exactly.
Instead, he does what he does best, and cuts through to the heart of it all. He doesn't move to meet Lavi halfway, because he's spoiled by Lavi's desire, even if he doesn't realize it. Instead, he reaches out and puts his free hand on Lavi's face, drawing him forward until there's almost no space between them. He rests his lips against Lavi's brow, where the headband was a minute ago--he doesn't plant a kiss there, but his mouth brushes against Lavi's skin with each word he speaks.]
Are you going to keep wasting time, or are you going to say what you want?
[He goes willingly when Kanda draws him closer, relaxing against his hold, tempted to look up and instead staying perfectly in place, so Lavi can feel the words against his skin -- soft and sharp, in the way only Kanda can ever be. He's so close -- they've been even closer before, but not in this way -- the air charged and full of anticipation, no longer on the cusp of a decision made, but exploring the moment after.
This is what he wanted, this is what he still wants. He hums his answer back, tilting his head so he can press his mouth against the line of Kanda's jaw, indulging in the nearness and physicality of him -- of the warmth he can feel emanating from his cool skin, of knowing that he's only this close because Kanda is letting him. If he's feeling woozy, then it must be because it's going straight to his head, to his erratic heartbeat,]
You.
[he breathes out, the word sounding so much like Kanda's name, both perfect for this occasion. Yuu. I want Yuu. He brushes his lips against Kanda's cheek, the corner of his mouth, and then he's kissing him, as gentle as the first time, coaxing and hopeful. Nothing like how they usually are, but Lavi likes this as much as he likes the roughhousing. Rarely does he have the opportunity to touch Kanda like this -- in a way he hopes the other man will like. He slides his other hand on Kanda's hip, tracing the fabric of his shirt, thumb tucked under the hem and pressing against bare skin,]
[There are times, probably more than Lavi would like, that Kanda simply isn't in the mood to be touched. He still values his space more than the average person, even if he's more lenient with Lavi than most people would think him capable of being.
But this is different. He'd known what Lavi was asking for when he agreed to come back here, so there's no surprise when he feels Lavi's hand on him, no leaning away when Lavi moves closer. He denied Lavi a full kiss on the hill, but he indulges him now, his hand falling to rest on Lavi's shoulder and around the back of his neck, brushing through the short hairs curling over his fingers. He's not good at being patient or gentle, but Lavi is, and Kanda doesn't mind following his lead like this, at least for a little while.
He lets Lavi kiss him more than he really tries to kiss back, but it's not out of disinterest. It's just easier to focus on relaxing, this way--when all he has to think about is keeping his mouth pliant and following the gentle cues of Lavi's touch, because Lavi is willing to do the rest. Accommodating him, reaching out far, far more than halfway, just like he always does. Kanda doesn't know why Lavi thinks he, of all people, is worth breaking the rules for, but... luckily for both of them, he's not the type to ask those kinds of questions. All that matters is that they're here, together, and something like safe.]
[Lavi's never been drunk before, but this feeling must be something like it -- this heady warmth, the desire to plunge in deeper and deeper, all his senses bent on how Kanda tastes, his fingers curled in Lavi's hair, every second spent still kissing Lavi like this is what Kanda wants. Lavi could drown in it, this moment blotting out everything else when normally his senses are so sharp. This must be why they're not allowed to drink, not allowed to love. It's all-consuming. All his senses and thoughts are bent on Kanda, he'll remember every single detail of this moment shared, but not anything else, not whether the window was open, or the crowd tonight rowdier than usual. It's all inconsequential in comparison, and that's the danger of it. That a person can choose just the one over all else.
He licks at the seam of Kanda's lips, encouraging them to part for him, enjoying how relaxed Kanda feels because he rarely ever is, even with Lavi. He wants to deepen the kiss, and see how else Kanda feels about it, and what he'll do in return.
Kanda's back is still pressed against the wall, so Lavi shifts his hand over the plane of his stomach, feeling the muscle there. He's seen Kanda topless so many times that he can picture it with clarity, and he lets the image guide his hand -- pressing in as he deepens the kiss between them. Maybe this counts as pushing his luck, but it's his tried and true method of learning when it comes to Kanda, testing his reactions, figuring him out.
In this case, it's all to feel what Kanda likes, to learn more of his quirks, and also put up a hopefully convincing argument for why kissing is great and why they should do this all the time?]
[When the Order built the creation known as "Yuu," they made sure to make him durable. Regenerative powers strong enough to challenge the very notion of mortality, and a pain tolerance that's allowed him to push through attacks no human could withstand--such traits are the reason why he's always been something of a prized possession, even to the zealous, unfeeling upper ranks.
As for the rest, naturally, his creators didn't care. Why would they? It didn't matter to them whether he could feel good, so long as he didn't feel bad enough to break down. If Kanda were ever to think about it, he'd guess they never thought he'd survive long enough for such a question to arise in the first place. He was always meant to be a weapon, after all.
But for better or for worse, he is human. Or at least--human enough for his skin to jump under Lavi's warm fingertips, stomach tight with tension he doesn't know how to let go of. Lavi wants to know what he likes, but Kanda wouldn't know what to tell him if he asked out loud, so for once, he's glad for Lavi's willingness to test his boundaries. There's probably something poetic about Lavi being the one to weave pleasure into the spells written into his core, but Kanda can't be bothered to think of it when he can focus on Lavi's mouth instead.
He parts his lips to let Lavi in, though he pulls back a second later, drawing in a shallow breath before he leans forward to try again. He's not sure how he feels about being so passive, but he's pretty sure Lavi won't risk destroying his chances of ever doing this again, so he's not worried about any annoying comments. Instead, he lets the soft heat of Lavi's mouth chase away his lingering thoughts, shivering at the little sparks that seem to dance through him, from his lips all the way to Lavi's hand. He lifts his other hand and grasps at Lavi's shirt almost on instinct--something he's done a thousand times for violent reasons, but this time, instead of throwing him off, he tugs Lavi closer.]
[It turns out that Lavi does know when to shut up... except he makes a little noise of protest when Kanda pulls back, so maybe he doesn't, actually. Luckily for him, Kanda comes back anyway, and maybe this is how Lavi is spoiled too -- in all the ways Kanda puts up with him, endures him, likes him. That's become important to him -- the liking, more important than annoying Kanda and getting a rise out of him.
Still, there's a flicker of surprise when Kanda yanks him closer instead of throwing him off, and then a curl of pleasure at the realization that Kanda wants more contact, not less. He must be doing something right then, because as much as he might have more experience, it's really only barely a handful. There's kissing and there's this, there's curiosity and there's the desire to explore it with only one person. He wants to know what Kanda likes and through him, know what he likes too. Maybe he can be more of a person when he does, a person Kanda will still accept.
He gives one more teasing sweep of his tongue, before it's his turn to pull back, mindful of the fact that they both need air. Instead, he runs his mouth down the line of Kanda's neck instead, gently kissing the skin there, pressing his lips against his pulse. He wants to feel it race, just like his own heart, which gives him a better idea -- which is to tug Kanda's shirt up until his chest is laid bare, so Lavi can kiss the space over his heart instead, and feel him that way.
A Bookman has no need for a heart, but it turns out that Lavi does. He needs the one Kanda has, and he needs his own to make that obvious.]
[Lavi pulls away, except he kind of doesn't? He moves, and technically, Kanda can breathe again--but it barely even registers, since his focus is locked onto the press of Lavi's mouth to his skin. He shifts a little, but he's not sure if he wants to press forward into the sensation or lean back to make this easier for Lavi, so in the end, he doesn't move far at all.
Maybe if his body didn't repair itself so completely, his nerves would be long dead. And it's not that he's sensitive now, exactly--he doesn't feel ticklish or overstimulated, even as Lavi pushes his shirt up and kisses his way down, past the cracked edges of his seal and over to where his core sits in his chest. But he certainly feels, and he's hyperaware of it in the same way he's ever-conscious of danger. He's not used to directing this sort of intensity at another person for any reason besides hatred or anger, and he feels restless with it. But he has no idea what to do about that, and he doesn't want to ask--doesn't want to interrupt Lavi and break the thick, warm atmosphere that's settled in between them.
But he's not good at doing nothing, either, so that restlessness bleeds out of him in little ways. He loosens his grip on Lavi's shirt, then tightens it again. He moves his other hand further up, brushing through Lavi's hair. He doesn't speak, but he breathes deeply, and his chest rises with it, as if he's making up for not knowing how to reach out to Lavi in return. He should probably be taking this opportunity to touch Lavi as well, but he's so focused on what Lavi is doing that it doesn't even occur to him to try.]
[As far as Lavi's concerned, all of this counts as trying, and he takes as much pleasure from it than if Kanda pinned him down like a dashing duke from a penny romance. Not to say that he wouldn't enjoy that, because he's pretty sure he would, but there's a difference between fantasy and reality -- and so far, reality's shaping up to be pretty damn great. Like the next deep breath Kanda takes, his ribcage expanding to meet Lavi's lips. It's just an inhale, but the intimacy of it sparks a thrill through him anyway, from his lips to the steadily building flush on the back of his neck, where he can feel Kanda's hand brush through his hair.
It's such a simple motion, but it's working him up as much as their earlier kisses did..... horny........... or affectionate........ or both......
And maybe Lavi's something of a cat too, because he rests his chin on Kanda's chest, peering up at him to take in his expression, wondering if it matches the one on Lavi's face, all warmth and lazy contentment. he presses against Kanda's hand,]
Feels nice...
[(kanda voice) well yeah obviously. his hand is still curled in the hem of Kanda's shirt, the other splayed flat against Kanda's chest, his tattoo peeking out from between Lavi's fingers,]
[NOT THE PENNY ROMANCES!!!! Maybe in the future, Kanda will do things like that... :flushed:... but listen, he's already direct and aggressive--add passion into the mix and it's not hard to make that leap.
Luckily for Lavi's flustered bottom tendencies, he's definitely not there yet. It is, perhaps, impossible for Kanda to look like a flustered bottom himself, but there is, at least, a faint dusting of pink across his face, barely visible in the last light of sunset but present nonetheless. That's Lavi's reward for his efforts.
He doesn't seem to realize he's been staring at Lavi until Lavi looks up at him and speaks; he blinks a few times before his expression twists into something half-heartedly grouchy. He's not shy, but it's still a little bit overwhelming to have Lavi looking at him like that. It's a reminder that all of this is real--that he's allowed Lavi this close, that he encouraged it, that he doesn't want him to pull away. The him from a month ago would think him a fool.
(Maybe he is one. But his foolishness started long before he decided to let Lavi into his heart, so he can't be too mad about it.)]
Shut up. [He doesn't know what else to say..... stupid]
Lavi would laugh and earn himself a SMACK, but he falls still, mesmerized by the pink in Kanda's grouchy expression, something new to add to all that Lavi knows, something that makes his heartbeat drum ever louder. He surges back up and claims Kanda with another kiss, this one more heated and excited, breaking apart only long enough to tug Kanda's shirt up and off, and then his own. The air feels cool against his heated skin, but he's not paying attention to the temperature, only to how Kanda feels against his hands, his mouth, and how it makes Lavi want to unravel him all the more.
And while their position right now is more than comfortable, Lavi tugs Kanda down to the bed, next to him,]
What about you?
[EVEN THOUGH KANDA SAID TO SHUT UP....
But like always, Lavi ignores this demand in favor of pressing kisses against Kanda's cheek, then the spot right below his ear, giving the lobe a teasing nip.]
[Given that Kanda can't see his own face, he has no idea what's sparked Lavi's sudden burst of enthusiasm; his slightly startled noise is swallowed up by Lavi's mouth, but before he has time to sink back into kissing, Lavi's pulling back again to pull their shirts off. He's unused to being overwhelmed, especially like this--if he wasn't so used to Lavi's energy on the whole, he'd probably shove him off on pure, violent instinct.
It's a near thing, but he catches himself in time to let Lavi pull him down. His hair cord is tied too securely to fall out, but getting his shirt off knocked it aside just enough to be a little uncomfortable, so he reaches up to tug it out as Lavi presses into his space again, tactile and chatty as always. THERE ARE TWO WOLVES INSIDE OF KANDA... THE ONE THAT THINKS LAVI IS SO ANNOYING AND THE ONE THAT LIKES HIM ANYWAY!!! Despite it all... or maybe because of it all... thankfully Kanda won't realize he has a type for 20 years, if he ever does,,,
Anyway he does not say "no" even though he probably should just to keep Lavi on his toes. But he's still himself which means he's allergic to answering like a normal person. Instead, he presses his lips together and averts his gaze, which is easy to do when Lavi can't see his expression]
You talk too damn much. [GRUMBLE GROUCH COMPLAIN but listen, he thinks it's obvious that he'd just kick Lavi off the bed if Lavi did anything he didn't like, there's no need to SAY it]
[KANDA JUST SHOVING LAVI OFF THE BED FOR BEING 2FAST2HORNY and perhaps, for being too chatty, if Lavi isn't CAREFUL and doesn't SHUT UP... He takes Kanda's answer as less a warning and more how someone who doesn't know what to say would say, especially with Kanda's temperament. It's cute.... There's one wolf in Lavi and it's the one that's fcking OBSESSED WITH KANDA!!!
It's why he shifts back so he can look at him anew again, gaze tracing the now loose strands of Kanda's hair falling over his face, neck, shoulders. It's technically not the first time Lavi's seen Kanda with his hair down.... but it is in this context, when they're both warm and relaxed and so close together, without being weighed down by an uncertain future. It's why the mischievous tilt of his smile fades a little, the look in his eye turning rueful instead,]
Sorry.
[he DOES talk too much... though he'd never apologize for this terrible character flaw, but maybe there's another reason why he's so chatty... he brushes his hand through Kanda's hair, running his fingers lightly through the now soft hair, the texture so markedly different from the last time Lavi touched him. Like it's driving home just how new this is for the both of them. For Lavi, especially. Lavi's never had a love he'd dedicate his life for, or met anyone as important to him as Kanda is now. He knows nothing about putting someone else first, or of making anyone happy. He's never cared enough to try, until now.
He'd say that all now, and a part of him thinks Kanda would listen like he always does, but it's kind of terrifying to admit that Lavi's completely clueless. That he might be wasting Kanda's time. He lifts his palm, watching Kanda's hair run down his hand, inky black against the scarlet red of the bracelets he's still wearing. It's terrifying, but the words come out anyway,]
...I guess it's cause I'm nervous.
[will this change once Lavi gets really into it and starts being really vocal in bed yes but listen.... for now.... he's eager and passionate and also unsure and shy and afraid of ruining yet another part of Kanda's life,]
[Kanda keeps his eyes fixed on Lavi's face, watching the way Lavi watches him--tracking all the little things, the look in his eye, the shift in his tone. There's a difference, he's learning, between knowing that Lavi's never truly let anyone into his heart, and really knowing it. It's not like Kanda has ever prided himself on knowing all of Lavi's secrets, but it's only now that he's realizing some part of himself must've bought into that sparkling confidence, even though he'd "known better."
In truth, he suspects it's not as much of a lie as Lavi thinks it is--after all, Kanda's the one who's seen him with Allen and the others, the one standing at a far enough distance to see the polish wear off of Lavi's smile. But that and this are very different things. And regardless... the eager Lavi who can't keep his mouth shut, or the uncertain Lavi he's seeing now--in the end, how Lavi acts doesn't matter, as long as it's genuine. That's all Kanda needs, but it's asking everything of Lavi. He knows that.
He sighs, reaching up to take Lavi's wrist and pull his hand back down, closer to his face. He closes his eyes and turns his head, speaking into Lavi's palm.]
Don't be. You can't fuck up any worse than you did when we met. [THANKS KANDA THAT'S SO REASSURING... it's also technically not quite true, because Lavi has a lot more power to hurt him now than he did back when Kanda didn't know or care who he was. But they didn't wind up here for nothing. If Kanda didn't trust that Lavi won't purposely fuck up--if he didn't think Lavi capable of handling his inevitable fuck-ups, of which there are bound to be many--then Lavi would know it.]
[SO REASSURING!!!! it's always helpful to know how low the bar is... though it doesn't assuage Lavi's fears any when he knows that he could go lower. Disappointment is written in human nature. And Lavi's learned not to hold any expectations.
But that's something Kanda knows too, maybe even better than Lavi does. If Lavi can't have the usual assurances from Kanda, then he'll take this instead -- their shared understanding, and their desire to try. And Kanda is trying, more than Lavi thought he ever would. He shouldn't spend this chance he's given being anxious about what might never happen. Kanda can't see his expression, but he can probably hear the warmth returning in Lavi's voice,]
I was trying to annoy you back then.
[his palm feels tingly, and he soothes the itch by brushing it against Kanda's cheek,]
...But now, I just wanna make you happy.
[this time, he doesn't ask what Kanda thinks about that. He tries to gather the answer from his lips instead,]
[It's almost a relief, not having to reply with words--Kanda is certainly no master kisser, but he's always been better at communicating through actions, and this is much the same. It's easier to be gentle if all he has to do is keep a loose grip on Lavi's wrist, to show openness when he can simply part his lips to let Lavi in more easily than before.
Speaking would mean saying something like I don't know if you can, because I don't know if I can, and it matters that you want to try, but I don't know if we can be enough for each other, and I don't know what I'll do if we live long enough to realize we're not, so if you're going to talk, just don't remind me of how hard this is--a thousand vulnerable, complicated sentiments that Kanda wouldn't know how to give voice to, even if he wanted to. It's far, far preferable to turn his focus to the soft warmth of Lavi's lips, the shape of his close presence that Kanda can sense perfectly, even without opening his eyes. He's mostly left the reaching out to Lavi, content to show his approval through permissiveness like he so often does, but now, he uses his grip on Lavi's wrist to tug him a little bit closer, an awkward attempt at assuaging Lavi's worries.
He's not sure if he's capable of happiness. But at least for tonight, he doesn't think he'll regret putting himself in Lavi's hands. And that's close enough, as far as he's concerned.]
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But no, that doesn't happen. Kanda's ready for it, of course, especially as they rejoin the townspeople, but the only chaos comes from people around them enjoying the festivities. Lavi's been a permanent spot in his awareness for ages, so Kanda doesn't have to watch him too closely to keep track of him as they head back; it leaves him free to glance back towards the Knotting booth, which has a long line now that the crowd has grown. He watches the couple at the front laughing as they struggle to size their bracelets properly, and thinks of the cords on Lavi's wrists, how Lavi had gone out of his way to claim Kanda's failed attempts too. Of the cord around his own wrist, and the one he hasn't stopped using in his hair. He thinks about the burst of happiness he'd felt from Lavi in the salon, when he noticed, and how content he looked earlier when he'd admired their matching knots: so many moments to file away in his deceptively good memory. Little things that, Kanda suspects, Lavi doesn't even realize he notices.
He doesn't reach out to hold Lavi's hand on the way back. But it's kind of tempting, which is a lot for him.
The way Kanda actually also has a scarf BUT I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT IT I guess he left it behind. Once they're in the room, he finally puts Mugen down; he's the closest thing the Order has to a constantly vigilant exorcist robot, but he is still human enough that even he can't keep his guard permanently up. He and Lavi are on the same page--as far as he can tell, this is the closest thing to safety they'll get, so they might as well relax (kind of) while they can.]
Yeah. [He didn't bother brushing the dirt and grass off of his outside coat, but whatever, it's fine. He shrugs it off, handing it over.] I didn't see anyone from the Order around.
[No exorcists isn't unusual, but he hadn't noticed any Finders either, which means there's a good chance this town isn't on anyone's radar. There's no guarantee that it's clear, of course, but it at least means that the chances of a sudden crisis are as low as they get.]
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Lavi hangs Kanda's coat up with his, then he sits on the edge of their only (flushed) bed, bending down to take off his boots and whatever the FCK kind of leggings he wears over his uniform pants, then straightening up to unbutton his Exorcist jacket,]
We'll have to be more careful when we get to the city.
[keep a look out not only for finders, but for Order supporters too. all it would take is one priest to recognize them... and they're both already so distinctive, though Lavi has also mastered the art of blending in with a crowd... but it's easier to hide when people don't know who you are, harder when people have an idea to look out for.
he glances over at Kanda, lingering on his straight, dark hair, his elegant features arranged in pristine symmetry, the bow of his lip. Even the distant observer in him would find it hard to look away from Kanda -- so much of the other man seizes attention. And now when nothing about Lavi is distant, all he can do is stare, helplessly drawn. He wouldn't change a thing about him. He doesn't want to. ]
Maybe I should dye my hair... [he's done it before, changed parts of him so he'd look unrecognizable -- so it's half serious and half not at all, as Lavi runs a hand through his hair and blinks over at Kanda,] Whaddya think?
[DON'T JUST FISH FOR COMPLIMENTS]
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Mm. [At least until they find Allen and Johnny and figure out what the hell they're doing... what a pain. But Kanda knew what he was signing up for when he busted Johnny out of that train, so eh. It's fine.
Unlike Lavi his clothes are NORMAL!! So he takes his exorcist coat off and drapes it over a chair, easy to grab in case they do need to run out quickly. He takes his boots off too while he's at it, and if he notices Lavi staring, he doesn't show it. He just moves to join Lavi on the bed, scooting back to lean against the wall and stretching his legs out. His hair is still up and his gloves are still on for now, because he's lazy, but he's more relaxed here, like this, than he ever was back in town.
LAVI CAN FISH FOR COMPLIMENTS ALL HE WANTS BUT KANDA'S JUST THINKING ABOUT BLAVI NOW]
You complained so much when your hair changed last time...
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Lavi pouts, a note of mock indignation in his voice, as he stops fluffing up his stupid hair and hangs his jacket on one of the bed posts. Once that's done, he scoots closer to Kanda, reaching for his hand.]
That's cause I didn't change it! I didn't even get to pick the color.
[SOMEONE ELSE DID THAT TO HIM.... anyway FORGET BLAVI he's much more interested in twining his fingers with Kanda's, taking advantage of the somewhat safe space they're in to finally hold his hand. He runs his thumb along Kanda's fingers, tracing the edge of the glove back and forth,]
What if I dyed it black? Would it be weird?
[YEAH]
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He lets Lavi take his hand, though--and the urge from earlier is still there, so he curls his fingers loosely. Holding Lavi's hand properly, for once, instead of just letting Lavi hold his.
Peers at his hair, trying to picture it dark... instead he gets a weird vision of Lavi with white hair for some reason (no)
But it's difficult to imagine? He's not sure how he feels about it.]
You'd still stand out. [Granted he's a little biased because he pays attention to Lavi more than most people do, but--] The eyepatch would give you away.
[If he's thinking in terms of questions the Order would ask to find them, that is]
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It takes a moment for Lavi to reply, distracted by how his heart skips a beat when Kanda holds his hand back. It's the slightest of movements, but it feels momentous... Everything about this -- what they have -- feels the same. He wonders if he'll ever reach a point when he won't marvel over every gesture and look, every affirmation that Kanda feels the same way he does.
Lavi tugs down his headband with his other hand, rearranging his hair so his bangs flop over his eyepatch, hiding it from view.]
What about now?
[This would be more effective if one of the ties wasn't VISIBLE on his face, because at some point he swapped from his previous patch to one that has FOUR strings. way to go lavi,]
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Lavi pushes his swoopy stupid bangs out of the way, even though his eyesight remains hindered as usual, and tugs his headband up and then back down,]
Does that mean you like it on or off?
[speaking of OFF... he can think of other things that can be OFF....]
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Kanda's first instinct is to say "what does my opinion have to do with anything" and "I don't care," because it's mostly true? The most he's thought about Lavi's headband is when he yanks on it, usually when Lavi's purposely pestering him. But he watches Lavi mess with it, and he suspects that those replies would exasperate Lavi--and more importantly, they'd tempt him into being an annoying ham, which would inevitably lead to Kanda flipping him onto the floor or something. All of that is fine and normal, but he kind of doesn't feel like devolving into roughhousing right now. We had a good date Lavi insisted earlier, and he was right. It's been a nice evening, and Kanda isn't in the mood to let go of his hand so quickly.]
It's fine the way it normally is. [Because he is unhelpful above all... but he studies Lavi after that, mulling it over, trying to figure out if he has any preference at all. His eyes move over Lavi's face, searching--and though he doesn't really care what anyone else thinks or feels, he does wonder, very briefly, what the other people attracted to Lavi saw when they looked at him. Did they care about his looks at all, beyond wondering about the eyepatch? They were probably drawn in by his smile, but did any of them notice his headband, or his earrings, or the other little things Lavi likes to wear?
For Kanda--with it up, he sees the Lavi he knows so well. Energetic and annoying as a form of masterful deflection, but reliable when it matters. Someone Kanda trusts to watch his back, a man strong enough to shoulder the burdens they have no choice but to bear. With it down, he sees a dropped facade. A face without that bright grin, an eye without its playful sparkle. Sometimes bitter and cynical, but sometimes just... calm and still. Tired, but trusting, the sort of man who dozes off on his shoulder, who asks hard things of him because he knows Kanda will listen.
But Kanda likes both of those images? They're both sides of Lavi that he cares about. That's not helpful. Hmm...
Technically Lavi had his headband on earlier, but when Kanda pictures him all flustered and red, his mental image has no headband. So, decisively--] Leave it down.
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Lavi unfortunately no longer has the ability to hear Kanda's gay thoughts, but he can still discern them in the way only he can, the way he's used to. It's why he doesn't interrupt that brief moment of silence with his usual chatter, merely waiting for the answer he knows Kanda will give and also, enjoying the way Kanda is studying him. Even so, his matter-of-fact answer surprises him, that Kanda has a preference when he normally wouldn't care.
Lavi's not wearing his headband, in fact he pulls it completely off at Kanda's answer, but there's that playful look in his eye anyway. Playful, and maybe a little shy -- in a way uncharacteristic of either 'Lavi', and yet something that's solely him too, in these private spaces he's only ever shared with Kanda. He could pretend at confidence like he's used to, if he didn't know that Kanda would see through that too.
And besides, he's already taken the headband off -- it's a little too late to slip the mask back on, because that's what it is -- the headband, the scarf, the earrings -- all vital pieces of the forty-ninth. Like how Bookman lines his eyes every morning -- a suit of armor to protect their hearts against the world. Lavi should feel naked without it, unraveled.
He shifts closer, one hand in Kanda's and the other pressed flat over the sheets. He should feel like what he really is, nothing and no one. And yet, all he feels is the air, heavy with anticipation, and Kanda's hand, warm in his. If he's truly nothing, then he wouldn't feel anything at all. The fact should devastate him, the knowledge that he's no longer the Bookman ideal, and maybe never was. But if this is devastation -- the warmth in his chest, growing brighter and hotter at every touch and moment spent -- then maybe he wants to be ruined.
Kanda's face is only a brief distance away, the span of a heartbeat,]
Anything else?
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This Kanda doesn't have the patience for that. He watches Lavi put the headband aside, but he's more interested in the expression on Lavi's face, the playfulness he knows so well and the shyness that's new and, somehow, endearing. Maybe he should be surprised by it, but... he knows what it's like, trying to figure out "who" you are, when all you've ever been is a "what."
He can tell they're not talking about disguises anymore. But he doesn't need Lavi to mold himself into something new, even in these little, relatively harmless ways. He will not be the glass that holds Lavi's formless shape. But he doesn't know how to tell Lavi that he's already everything Kanda wants, and this is still too fragile for him to say those words exactly.
Instead, he does what he does best, and cuts through to the heart of it all. He doesn't move to meet Lavi halfway, because he's spoiled by Lavi's desire, even if he doesn't realize it. Instead, he reaches out and puts his free hand on Lavi's face, drawing him forward until there's almost no space between them. He rests his lips against Lavi's brow, where the headband was a minute ago--he doesn't plant a kiss there, but his mouth brushes against Lavi's skin with each word he speaks.]
Are you going to keep wasting time, or are you going to say what you want?
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This is what he wanted, this is what he still wants. He hums his answer back, tilting his head so he can press his mouth against the line of Kanda's jaw, indulging in the nearness and physicality of him -- of the warmth he can feel emanating from his cool skin, of knowing that he's only this close because Kanda is letting him. If he's feeling woozy, then it must be because it's going straight to his head, to his erratic heartbeat,]
You.
[he breathes out, the word sounding so much like Kanda's name, both perfect for this occasion. Yuu. I want Yuu. He brushes his lips against Kanda's cheek, the corner of his mouth, and then he's kissing him, as gentle as the first time, coaxing and hopeful. Nothing like how they usually are, but Lavi likes this as much as he likes the roughhousing. Rarely does he have the opportunity to touch Kanda like this -- in a way he hopes the other man will like. He slides his other hand on Kanda's hip, tracing the fabric of his shirt, thumb tucked under the hem and pressing against bare skin,]
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But this is different. He'd known what Lavi was asking for when he agreed to come back here, so there's no surprise when he feels Lavi's hand on him, no leaning away when Lavi moves closer. He denied Lavi a full kiss on the hill, but he indulges him now, his hand falling to rest on Lavi's shoulder and around the back of his neck, brushing through the short hairs curling over his fingers. He's not good at being patient or gentle, but Lavi is, and Kanda doesn't mind following his lead like this, at least for a little while.
He lets Lavi kiss him more than he really tries to kiss back, but it's not out of disinterest. It's just easier to focus on relaxing, this way--when all he has to think about is keeping his mouth pliant and following the gentle cues of Lavi's touch, because Lavi is willing to do the rest. Accommodating him, reaching out far, far more than halfway, just like he always does. Kanda doesn't know why Lavi thinks he, of all people, is worth breaking the rules for, but... luckily for both of them, he's not the type to ask those kinds of questions. All that matters is that they're here, together, and something like safe.]
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He licks at the seam of Kanda's lips, encouraging them to part for him, enjoying how relaxed Kanda feels because he rarely ever is, even with Lavi. He wants to deepen the kiss, and see how else Kanda feels about it, and what he'll do in return.
Kanda's back is still pressed against the wall, so Lavi shifts his hand over the plane of his stomach, feeling the muscle there. He's seen Kanda topless so many times that he can picture it with clarity, and he lets the image guide his hand -- pressing in as he deepens the kiss between them. Maybe this counts as pushing his luck, but it's his tried and true method of learning when it comes to Kanda, testing his reactions, figuring him out.
In this case, it's all to feel what Kanda likes, to learn more of his quirks, and also put up a hopefully convincing argument for why kissing is great and why they should do this all the time?]
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As for the rest, naturally, his creators didn't care. Why would they? It didn't matter to them whether he could feel good, so long as he didn't feel bad enough to break down. If Kanda were ever to think about it, he'd guess they never thought he'd survive long enough for such a question to arise in the first place. He was always meant to be a weapon, after all.
But for better or for worse, he is human. Or at least--human enough for his skin to jump under Lavi's warm fingertips, stomach tight with tension he doesn't know how to let go of. Lavi wants to know what he likes, but Kanda wouldn't know what to tell him if he asked out loud, so for once, he's glad for Lavi's willingness to test his boundaries. There's probably something poetic about Lavi being the one to weave pleasure into the spells written into his core, but Kanda can't be bothered to think of it when he can focus on Lavi's mouth instead.
He parts his lips to let Lavi in, though he pulls back a second later, drawing in a shallow breath before he leans forward to try again. He's not sure how he feels about being so passive, but he's pretty sure Lavi won't risk destroying his chances of ever doing this again, so he's not worried about any annoying comments. Instead, he lets the soft heat of Lavi's mouth chase away his lingering thoughts, shivering at the little sparks that seem to dance through him, from his lips all the way to Lavi's hand. He lifts his other hand and grasps at Lavi's shirt almost on instinct--something he's done a thousand times for violent reasons, but this time, instead of throwing him off, he tugs Lavi closer.]
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Still, there's a flicker of surprise when Kanda yanks him closer instead of throwing him off, and then a curl of pleasure at the realization that Kanda wants more contact, not less. He must be doing something right then, because as much as he might have more experience, it's really only barely a handful. There's kissing and there's this, there's curiosity and there's the desire to explore it with only one person. He wants to know what Kanda likes and through him, know what he likes too. Maybe he can be more of a person when he does, a person Kanda will still accept.
He gives one more teasing sweep of his tongue, before it's his turn to pull back, mindful of the fact that they both need air. Instead, he runs his mouth down the line of Kanda's neck instead, gently kissing the skin there, pressing his lips against his pulse. He wants to feel it race, just like his own heart, which gives him a better idea -- which is to tug Kanda's shirt up until his chest is laid bare, so Lavi can kiss the space over his heart instead, and feel him that way.
A Bookman has no need for a heart, but it turns out that Lavi does. He needs the one Kanda has, and he needs his own to make that obvious.]
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Maybe if his body didn't repair itself so completely, his nerves would be long dead. And it's not that he's sensitive now, exactly--he doesn't feel ticklish or overstimulated, even as Lavi pushes his shirt up and kisses his way down, past the cracked edges of his seal and over to where his core sits in his chest. But he certainly feels, and he's hyperaware of it in the same way he's ever-conscious of danger. He's not used to directing this sort of intensity at another person for any reason besides hatred or anger, and he feels restless with it. But he has no idea what to do about that, and he doesn't want to ask--doesn't want to interrupt Lavi and break the thick, warm atmosphere that's settled in between them.
But he's not good at doing nothing, either, so that restlessness bleeds out of him in little ways. He loosens his grip on Lavi's shirt, then tightens it again. He moves his other hand further up, brushing through Lavi's hair. He doesn't speak, but he breathes deeply, and his chest rises with it, as if he's making up for not knowing how to reach out to Lavi in return. He should probably be taking this opportunity to touch Lavi as well, but he's so focused on what Lavi is doing that it doesn't even occur to him to try.]
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It's such a simple motion, but it's working him up as much as their earlier kisses did..... horny........... or affectionate........ or both......
And maybe Lavi's something of a cat too, because he rests his chin on Kanda's chest, peering up at him to take in his expression, wondering if it matches the one on Lavi's face, all warmth and lazy contentment. he presses against Kanda's hand,]
Feels nice...
[(kanda voice) well yeah obviously. his hand is still curled in the hem of Kanda's shirt, the other splayed flat against Kanda's chest, his tattoo peeking out from between Lavi's fingers,]
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Luckily for Lavi's flustered bottom tendencies, he's definitely not there yet. It is, perhaps, impossible for Kanda to look like a flustered bottom himself, but there is, at least, a faint dusting of pink across his face, barely visible in the last light of sunset but present nonetheless. That's Lavi's reward for his efforts.
He doesn't seem to realize he's been staring at Lavi until Lavi looks up at him and speaks; he blinks a few times before his expression twists into something half-heartedly grouchy. He's not shy, but it's still a little bit overwhelming to have Lavi looking at him like that. It's a reminder that all of this is real--that he's allowed Lavi this close, that he encouraged it, that he doesn't want him to pull away. The him from a month ago would think him a fool.
(Maybe he is one. But his foolishness started long before he decided to let Lavi into his heart, so he can't be too mad about it.)]
Shut up. [He doesn't know what else to say..... stupid]
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Lavi would laugh and earn himself a SMACK, but he falls still, mesmerized by the pink in Kanda's grouchy expression, something new to add to all that Lavi knows, something that makes his heartbeat drum ever louder. He surges back up and claims Kanda with another kiss, this one more heated and excited, breaking apart only long enough to tug Kanda's shirt up and off, and then his own. The air feels cool against his heated skin, but he's not paying attention to the temperature, only to how Kanda feels against his hands, his mouth, and how it makes Lavi want to unravel him all the more.
And while their position right now is more than comfortable, Lavi tugs Kanda down to the bed, next to him,]
What about you?
[EVEN THOUGH KANDA SAID TO SHUT UP....
But like always, Lavi ignores this demand in favor of pressing kisses against Kanda's cheek, then the spot right below his ear, giving the lobe a teasing nip.]
Does this feel nice?
[(kanda voice) no]
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It's a near thing, but he catches himself in time to let Lavi pull him down. His hair cord is tied too securely to fall out, but getting his shirt off knocked it aside just enough to be a little uncomfortable, so he reaches up to tug it out as Lavi presses into his space again, tactile and chatty as always. THERE ARE TWO WOLVES INSIDE OF KANDA... THE ONE THAT THINKS LAVI IS SO ANNOYING AND THE ONE THAT LIKES HIM ANYWAY!!! Despite it all... or maybe because of it all... thankfully Kanda won't realize he has a type for 20 years, if he ever does,,,
Anyway he does not say "no" even though he probably should just to keep Lavi on his toes. But he's still himself which means he's allergic to answering like a normal person. Instead, he presses his lips together and averts his gaze, which is easy to do when Lavi can't see his expression]
You talk too damn much. [GRUMBLE GROUCH COMPLAIN but listen, he thinks it's obvious that he'd just kick Lavi off the bed if Lavi did anything he didn't like, there's no need to SAY it]
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It's why he shifts back so he can look at him anew again, gaze tracing the now loose strands of Kanda's hair falling over his face, neck, shoulders. It's technically not the first time Lavi's seen Kanda with his hair down.... but it is in this context, when they're both warm and relaxed and so close together, without being weighed down by an uncertain future. It's why the mischievous tilt of his smile fades a little, the look in his eye turning rueful instead,]
Sorry.
[he DOES talk too much... though he'd never apologize for this terrible character flaw, but maybe there's another reason why he's so chatty... he brushes his hand through Kanda's hair, running his fingers lightly through the now soft hair, the texture so markedly different from the last time Lavi touched him. Like it's driving home just how new this is for the both of them. For Lavi, especially. Lavi's never had a love he'd dedicate his life for, or met anyone as important to him as Kanda is now. He knows nothing about putting someone else first, or of making anyone happy. He's never cared enough to try, until now.
He'd say that all now, and a part of him thinks Kanda would listen like he always does, but it's kind of terrifying to admit that Lavi's completely clueless. That he might be wasting Kanda's time. He lifts his palm, watching Kanda's hair run down his hand, inky black against the scarlet red of the bracelets he's still wearing. It's terrifying, but the words come out anyway,]
...I guess it's cause I'm nervous.
[will this change once Lavi gets really into it and starts being really vocal in bed yes but listen.... for now.... he's eager and passionate and also unsure and shy and afraid of ruining yet another part of Kanda's life,]
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In truth, he suspects it's not as much of a lie as Lavi thinks it is--after all, Kanda's the one who's seen him with Allen and the others, the one standing at a far enough distance to see the polish wear off of Lavi's smile. But that and this are very different things. And regardless... the eager Lavi who can't keep his mouth shut, or the uncertain Lavi he's seeing now--in the end, how Lavi acts doesn't matter, as long as it's genuine. That's all Kanda needs, but it's asking everything of Lavi. He knows that.
He sighs, reaching up to take Lavi's wrist and pull his hand back down, closer to his face. He closes his eyes and turns his head, speaking into Lavi's palm.]
Don't be. You can't fuck up any worse than you did when we met. [THANKS KANDA THAT'S SO REASSURING... it's also technically not quite true, because Lavi has a lot more power to hurt him now than he did back when Kanda didn't know or care who he was. But they didn't wind up here for nothing. If Kanda didn't trust that Lavi won't purposely fuck up--if he didn't think Lavi capable of handling his inevitable fuck-ups, of which there are bound to be many--then Lavi would know it.]
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But that's something Kanda knows too, maybe even better than Lavi does. If Lavi can't have the usual assurances from Kanda, then he'll take this instead -- their shared understanding, and their desire to try. And Kanda is trying, more than Lavi thought he ever would. He shouldn't spend this chance he's given being anxious about what might never happen. Kanda can't see his expression, but he can probably hear the warmth returning in Lavi's voice,]
I was trying to annoy you back then.
[his palm feels tingly, and he soothes the itch by brushing it against Kanda's cheek,]
...But now, I just wanna make you happy.
[this time, he doesn't ask what Kanda thinks about that. He tries to gather the answer from his lips instead,]
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Speaking would mean saying something like I don't know if you can, because I don't know if I can, and it matters that you want to try, but I don't know if we can be enough for each other, and I don't know what I'll do if we live long enough to realize we're not, so if you're going to talk, just don't remind me of how hard this is--a thousand vulnerable, complicated sentiments that Kanda wouldn't know how to give voice to, even if he wanted to. It's far, far preferable to turn his focus to the soft warmth of Lavi's lips, the shape of his close presence that Kanda can sense perfectly, even without opening his eyes. He's mostly left the reaching out to Lavi, content to show his approval through permissiveness like he so often does, but now, he uses his grip on Lavi's wrist to tug him a little bit closer, an awkward attempt at assuaging Lavi's worries.
He's not sure if he's capable of happiness. But at least for tonight, he doesn't think he'll regret putting himself in Lavi's hands. And that's close enough, as far as he's concerned.]
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the way my paid ran out but I still have my cat icons
LSDMFLFDS AND UR HAPPY KANDA ICON time to switch for every tag
THAT'S HORRIFYING
banging makes kanda happy......
YEAH BUT HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THAT ABOUT IT
he could.... (pleading)
STOP LAVI WOULD BE SO SCARED
LSDMFDSL (lavi voice) BANGING CHANGED KANDA.....
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renews my paid and realizes 90% of these icons are angry anyway THIS WAS POINTLESS
SKDLFFDS STOP KANDA'S BEAUTIFUL FAAAACE
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the way I got confused bc I was logged in as kaveh... locked out of my own post
U BANNED URSELF ig kaveh and lavi know each other in the superhell mg universe
THEY REALLY DO unless scara destroyed sumeru and kaveh is dead
STOP I WILL SAVE KAVEH
LMFKJHDG he's just stuck in the roller coaster dimension forever
NOOOOO
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